Your first sentence is disproven by everything else after.

You obviously want to get better. If not, you wouldn’t be having this conversation with me. You’re looking for help. You are not p, however, going to find it on Reddiit. You need to realize the fact that you want to get better, you actually want to be happy. Next, you need to decide that you’re willing to work towards this goal of being happy. Lastly, you need to seek out and cooperate with the health professionals who are experts in helping people like you. There will be no quick fix. There will be work, setbacks and real progress if you decide to do all of these things. But it all begins with your attitude towards helping yourself. Find the motivation you need to do the work that you need. Cultivate hope whenever and wherever you find. I don’t even know you, but I believe up you can and want to do. You will find others.

I wish you all the best, and for what it is worth, I will keep you in my prayers.