As I said, Im sane.

I'm just sick of life giving me lemons everytime. Yesterday I stepped up as everyone suggests and was supposed to go to an event through college, came to know that I was the only student and even the teachers refused because apparently their egos were hurt; yesterday was a real bad experience. Had to walk a lot to reach the venue since for one person sending the bus was meaningless, I saw people from other colleges with groups having a good time and here I am sitting alone just because my college people want to suck dicks for sponsors. I came home pretty early and felt like I was betrayed and the coordinator actually got busy in the fest he was supposed to organize. I have no clue why that happened only with me. I have lost that assertive voice of mine since everytime I try to raise it up Im at the wrong actually, and everytime I should raise it I pussy out.

I wrote all this because I was too upset with the direction my life was taking. I could have been so much more than what I am, and I feel like its too late:best TL;DR I can give. I hung out with people who I thought wanted to do something big, but they later uncovered themselves to be the biggest losers in college. I dont know man, Im just sick of feeling like shit everytime. If everything I do in life isnt of any significance, why even try through all the misery? Especially with people telling you on one side that you have potential and on the other telling you that you are shit. I am living a delusion it feels with all my dreams and aspirations; I managed to score the best college there is in my country; and I so wanted to celebrate with friends and people who actually cared. I dream of punching that motherfucker every single day who manipulated everyone into hating me. He told me to go to hell and I would never be happy etc. when I was admitted, and he later joined an even better college thanks to reservation. I am in hell now, was deprived of an opportunity to travel in college in my first year, made the same mistake again of joining a fucking pyramid scheme in my second, PUA and nofap again and again in my third, time gone like the wind and now regretting as people who are now happily placed and whom I should have hung out with are so happy. Its all gone, the time. He was right, Go to hell and I am in hell, low self esteem with nothing to show. All the self improvement shit doesnt matter at all now, its not that I didnt work hard-I did gain a lot of valuable skills-I interned too, I learned stuff etc. but does it matter now? I am a loser with a big mouth now. My loser friends always told me 'dude you are exactly like me!'. No bitch! When I issued that robotics booklet I actually WANTED to make something, when I told you I would get serious in my second year I DID get serious. Fuck that, nothing matters. And the worst part was that I was a day scholar, joined the wrong college etc. etc. I know people suffer worse shit than me and they manage to think beyond all that but for me, I feel like Ive betrayed myself, self sabotaged myself. People say learn to love yourself, why? I was responsible for all the wrong decisions I made, listened to the wrong people, dreaming every single day of changing those little decisions that shaped it all. I hate this shit. I absolutely hate it.

On top of it, I sound elitist and arrogant for hating people around me, yes I do hate them. And its an insecurity I have inside me. Social situations? Hah! Even after reading books over books I observe myself making the SAME MISTAKES AGAIN AND AGAIN! Even if I note that I wont open my mouth I STILL DO THAT. I hate myself so much, I feel like Im betraying god too.