I'm confused by "we never quit". If he quit, and you don't force him to smoke, why is it such a huge problem for him? He just wants to have a wife who doesn't smoke?

I can see that he's frustrated by the lack of change in the bedroom, but this isn't something that makes you a bad person. You're allowed to want less sex or have trauma. He's allowed to not be ok with the lack of sex and decide he wants to leave. But it sounds like he's now punishing you by withholding affection and showing zero compassion for your real trauma, which is very different from his not getting the kind of sex life he wants. If he wants to leave, he should leave instead of stonewalling you, which is a manipulation tactic.

I'd advise you to go to a therapist and process all of this. Yes he's allowed to be disappointed or feel that you're incompatible, but the way he's handling this does not bode well. You could frankly benefit from a bit of an increase in self worth so you can better differentiate how much of this is legit hurt and how much of it is toxicity, and what your boundaries and responsibilities are. I feel for you and the anxiety you're going through, but just changing everything he wanted you to change so you can keep him around shouldn't be the end goal - the goal should be a happy life, and a counselor can help you build that with a healthy sense of self with or without your husband.