Thinking about all of the things that make me happy and forget about why I hate myself so much. Thinking about all of the things I want to see and do before I kill myself.

For me, I've always had body issues and I never really liked the way I looked or dressed or anything. I tried starving myself, eating only certain foods, doing my mom's diets, limiting how much eat, and etc. But the thing I enjoyed the most that made me feel better (and was actually healthy) was exercising. If I could, I would go to the gym, go on walks, ride a bike, and just sit outside without being on my phone. It'd be awesome, really, but it's basically the same as wishing to kill myself, since it's an unachievable dream to have.

I don't know why, but I've always liked music more than reading and writing. I have ptsd and my mom used music to 'get rid' of it by playing songs that would trigger and worsen it, instead of getting me actual help. I can play 3 instruments and playing each one of them gave me more problems than reading and writing did. My violin teacher wouldn't stop touching me, my piano teacher made me feel like I like I'll never be good enough (forgot the word for it), and my band teacher made me feel worthless and insignificant. And yet I still love playing them and wish I could play them everyday. Reading and writing was bad enough as well it didn't hurt me as bad as playing those instruments. So if I could, I would play those instruments(and learn more!) go to my favorite library because it makes me feel safe and comfortable, and write whatever I want without it being taken away from me, read, or being judged for what it says. And a lot of other stuff like volunteering at the library, animal shelter, whatever else I find and enjoy doing. Playing computer games all day, finding a good therapist, being happy, owning a cat and love it forever, having friends, and maybe having an SO.

I want to do things but at the same time, I want to die on a daily basis. and I want to die more than I want to do all of this stuff. But it's mostly because I already know all of those things are just things that can't and won't happen. It's basically impossible for me. Even if I did manage to do some of that it wouldn't be enough. It wouldn't make me happy. I'd just be doing things I enjoy, without feeling good about it.

All I really want to do is die. It's a dream I've been wanting to happen since I was about 9 and something I've been trying to make happen since I was 10. But right now, again, I'm unable to kill myself. And I won't be able to for a couple years. So there's no need to worry about me.