My personal theory with this is that it's a part of trauma bonding but I might be wrong. I was also violated as an early sexual experience and had to train myself out of having this be my way of getting off. I thought I might be into bdsm briefly but that was not the case as it was harming my mental health. Something to do with needing high intensity, maybe not being able to feel subtlety anymore, maybe thinking I needed someone "strong" on my side. It took awhile but with healing, I eventually became turned off by any forcefulness or signs of excess power in a partner. It eventually was replaced with an appreciation for actual love and tenderness. Best of luck on your journey.