It's not something that can be made better but it's something that can be moved passed. I wanted my rapist to fix it for me because I felt he was the only one who could, but they can't, even if they were willing and not just dangerious, the healing comes within.

I do understand about wanting the abuse, definetly spent my unfair share of days blaming the tears and shakes on stress, even after admitting what was going on to myself I found mental work arounds and downplayed it all, or maybe he found them.. I didn't have to think, I could have someone to hold tight through the pain who knew what I'd been through-if I ignored they were the ones who did it, there were no scary cold steps towards healing while in survival mode, I just wanted HIM, and no one else, to take the pain he caused me away, and it didn't matter if he did it kindly or by continuing to scramble my mind to the point where I wouldn't have to face it.. anything but being left alone with it, it was easier to rot, but that's what it is, rotting.

It's too distressing longing for an apology most rapists will never give, too little too late if you get it. Try, if you can, to put that energy towards healing yourself and resist the urge to think about them, they don't deserve the power over you that wishing for their recognition gives, you don't need anything from that sort of creature, self love and time are better friends, even if easier said than done.