You know, for everything you have been and are going through, I am amazed at how well you have everything together. No kidding - really, really impressed. You have figured out morality (reduce emotional and physical suffering where you can) and are well-grounded in it.

I am sorry for all of the suffering you have endured for much of your life, and as the saying goes, and needs to be repeated for you to know, none of it was your fault. None.

Your father sounds permanently damaged and appears to have a great inner (and outer) hatred of himself. That's so sad - a wasted life. I have come to view people as having been born with damaged brains and susceptibilities (substance abuse) and additionally been in a toxic environment themselves that damaged them - meaning, it's not their fault - there's not a thing people like that can do about it. And with that I can understand and accept that they are damaged people and be able to forgive them in my mind - who, honestly, would really want to be like that - only a crazy person.

The thing is, you need to protect yourself from that, which can mean removing your father from your life (not being around him) so that he cannot subject you to any more immoral behavior. Sometimes, when people get a wake up call like that, they are forced to re-examine everything they think and do - it's rare, but it does happen.

Take care of yourself. You are so much more than what your father, because of his highly damaged state, is completely unable to see, and most likely never will. Look to involve yourself in different groups where you can be involved with people making a difference for the better where you are living. If it's not good enough, move to another city/state. It's your life - start moving forward with it.

I think you can find forgiveness in yourself by understanding that no normal person would behave as your father does - he was either born that way and/or raised to be that way - given the proper environment, he may have turned out very differently. It's such a waste of a life.

Good luck to you, and make the most of your life.