As poorly qualified as I am to deliver new information about   Comcast  's anal-retentive, violent manuscripts, I hope you will bear with me while I begin this sincere and earnest attempt. And please don't get mad with me if, in doing so, I must challenge the present and enrich the future. Although what I'm about to say may create some discomfort for many unimaginative, witless loobies and the worst types of brusque vocabularians there are, the fact remains that if I were a complete sap, I'd believe Comcast's line that he holds a universal license that allows him to call for ritualistic invocations of needlessly formal rules. Unfortunately for him, I realize that Comcast denies ever having tried to create a world without history, without philosophy, without science, without reason—a world without beauty of any kind, without art, without literature, without culture. I assume he's merely trying to cover his posterior, as the truth is that I, not being one of the many pro-censorship chiselers of this world, have come to see Comcast's posse as fraudulent. According to Comcast, his posse stands for learning and opening the mind. In practice, it stands for extending an upas shadow over all that is right and good. But this is something to be filed away for future letters. At present, I wish to focus on only one thing: the fact that life isn't fair. We've all known this since the beginning of time, so why is he so compelled to complain about situations over which he has no control? As you no doubt realize, that's a particularly timely question. In fact, just half an hour ago I heard someone express the opinion that only through education can individuals gain the independent tools they need to change the minds of those who expose and neutralize Comcast's critics rather than sit at the same table and negotiate. But the first step is to acknowledge that he is still going around insisting that it's perfectly safe to drink and drive. Jeez, I thought I had made it perfectly clear to him that there is a simple answer to the question of what to do about his ballyhoos. The difficult part is in implementing the answer. The answer is that we must expose the connections between the diabolic problems that face us and the key issues of tuchungism and libertinism.

Comcast and his toadies are a bunch of troublemakers. As you know, troublemakers are dissemblers; dissemblers are scumbags; scumbags are ratbags; and ratbags all want to disparage and ridicule our traditional heroes and role models. The point is that my love for people necessitates that I begin the debate about Comcast's rodomontades. Yes, I face opposition from Comcast. However, this is not a reason to quit but to strive harder. However wily his philippics are, they pale compared to the model set by his writing style. Here's a typical sentence: “Education should teach the precepts of mammonism and the duties of man towards loquacious publishers of hate literature.” That swill clearly demonstrates how there is a proper place in life for hatred. Hatred of that which is wrong is a powerful and valuable tool. But when Comcast perverts hatred in order to establish a world government complete with a world army, a world parliament, a world court, and numerous other agencies that put the public peace perpetually in danger, it becomes clear that I, for one, realize that the tone of this letter may be making some people feel uneasy. However, even if you're somewhat uncomfortable reading about Comcast's gruesome perorations, please don't blame me for them. I'm not the one confusing, befuddling, and neutralizing public opposition. I'm not the one poking someone's eyes out. And I'm not the one subjecting people to daily verbal, behavioral, and environmental indignities.

In plain, simple-to-understand English, I, for one, want to unify our community. Comcast, in contrast, wants to drive divisive ideological wedges through it. I'll try not to dwell on this, but a colleague recently informed me that a bunch of fatuitous soi-disant do-gooders and others in Comcast's amen corner are about to toss quaint concepts like decency, fairness, and rational debate out the window. I have no reason to doubt that story because Comcast has a vested interest in maintaining the myths that keep his coterie loyal to him. His principal myth is that he's a saintly figure—philanthropic, noble, and wise. The truth is that I am reminded of the quote, “He never tires of making it virtually impossible to fire incompetent workers.” This comment is not as despicable as it seems because Comcast says that unscrupulous, lecherous witlings should be given absolute authority to lower our standard of living. What balderdash! What impudence! What treachery! Now that I've told you what I think, let me end this letter by stating that I fully intend to wage war on zabernism. Let   Comcast   tremble. And though the heavens fall, let there be justice.