Oh I know, you're right, but it downright infuriates me because I didn't used to be this way, at all. I wasn't codependent, I didn't need compliments or any other kinds of words of affirmation (yes I've read the book, we've both taken the quiz, discussed the results in great detail, I have put forth a lot of effort into utilizing what his results showed, but he, not so much)... I had a healthy self esteem, the whole nine yards. Granted, I was much smaller then, even after having my first son, but still. It's like, over the years and everything that's happened with us (the list in my post is barely the tip of the iceberg), I've just become so worn down, he's made me feel SO low at times (for a while there it was pretty much all the time), because of various things, that it's almost like my self image just became warped. And it's taken a lot of work to rebuild it to what it is now, which still isn't great, but, I do try not to depend on him to make me feel good about myself (cuz if I completely depended on him for that I would probably fall apart because he almost never outwardly shows genuine attraction for me). Not saying I don't depend on him for it ever or at all, but about a year, maybe year and a half ago, I started making a conscious effort to stop basing my self image on him and his actions, or lack thereof, or his opinions or anything, but it is still hard. I mean, I don't think it's abnormal to want your husband to be attracted to you, or to value his opinion much more than other people's, whether it's of yourself or anything else. But, I do know that at times my situation is a little more than simply valuing his opinion of me more than other people's, and is much more a codependency thing and I struggle with it and it sucks but it's definitely better now than it used to be!
I just wish that sometimes, if he thinks I look nice, or sexy, or anything like that, he'd say it. And he knows this. His response to me when I try to tell him all this stuff has often been, "I just don't see why you need that." Well, motherfucker, of course you don't get it, cuz you're not the type of person who NEEDS to hear that kinda shit, but, why does it matter if you don't understand it personally, it should just matter that I do, and you, as my husband, should be willing to try harder to value my needs, like I try to value yours. Plus, honestly, who the fuck doesn't like getting compliments? I mean, I know some people don't take them well, but, that doesn't mean it isn't nice to hear, "Hey, you look really pretty today" from time to time, especially from your own husband, and Lord knows he loves hearing when he looks good or any other compliment, from anyone. You know what I mean?
It just frustrates me, and pisses me off really, that he doesn't put forth the effort, especially after all the shit we've been through in our marriage and are supposed to be trying to repair it and work through it and everything, and we each had things we wanted from the other person as far as how to work on our marriage, and I've put forth a great deal of effort here, and he just doesn't. Or the times he does, it's short lived, like, very short lived, often just a few days. We get along a lot better now than we were a few months ago, like, a lot better, we've been on the verge of divorce multiple times and fought CONSTANTLY for a long time, so to him, that's good enough, and that's the problem. And if I bring up issues like this or anything else I need or want from him, now he gets downright pissed off at me, turns it into a huge nasty fight, and says shit like, "I guess you just don't like us getting along," which is so not true, and so counterproductive, not to mention, fucking retarded, cuz the only reason it turns into a fight at all is because of how he reacts to it (with anger, instead of understanding, or at least just being receptive), and then I get upset that he can't just listen to what I'm saying and has to get angry instead and start a fight and then blame me and tell me I started the fight by bringing up my issues (cuz obviously communication is totally unimportant in a marriage, right?), and then we don't speak for a couple days, then it takes a while for us to start "getting along" again, rinse and repeat every so often, etc. He has legitimately threatened leaving me because of me trying to discuss marital issues with him, trying to communicate with him, and to this day he doesn't think we have communication problems, even though we do, huge ones, because he doesn't communicate with me at all and lashes out at me when I try. And yes, we've done marriage counseling. It was pointless. Like, completely pointless. You can go talk shit out to a professional and be given advice and tools for improving your marriage, etc, all fucking day long, but when you get back home and you utilize literally NOTHING that you learned in those sessions, it's pointless, a waste of time and money, and it's just depressing to the other person (which would be me). So, counseling is out. Though he thinks I need it because me wanting better communication and wanting him to pay me compliments and have more sex with me means that I'm crazy and need to see a therapist. Fuck me for being a human being with my own wants and needs, not to mention for being a woman with a high sex drive who legit wants to bang her husband regularly and frequently, right? Cuz obviously that's not a desirable quality to a man? Haha.
Sorry for this massive novel. I started and just couldn't stop, haha.