Because people are asking for updates....here's the letter I wrote. I'll let everybody know if I hear from him:
I know I've caused you pain, and I'm sorry. And I'll always be sorry for that.
I don't think you understood what I was trying to do. I wasn't trying to push you away. I wasn't saying things I didn't mean. I wasn't trying to hurt you.
I broke up with you because I don't know who I am right now. Because I'm sick. Because I'm figuring out where my life is situated. And for someone like you, someone who has to go through the daily pressure of medical school, it didn't seem fair or good to bring you through that so I let you go.
I knew I had to let you go because I love you and at the end of the day I didn't want to be responsible for hurting or bringing undue pressure into the life of someone I loved.
I knew I had to I let you go because I was embarrassed by everything. I'm not used to having people help me when I'm sick like I was those last couple of days. It makes me feel very selfish. Selfish because I have a hard time asking anyone for help. It gets like that when you've been through so much shit alone.
What we shared was not perfect and perhaps flawed in more than one way, but that does not mean that I don't love you. It does not mean that I don't think about you every day. It does not mean that there was anyone else. All it means is that I let go of the person I loved because I knew his life would be better and she'd be happier without me. So I took the bullet so you could be happy. I'd do anything for you to be happy.
But that's not why I wrote this letter. I wrote this letter because there are some things that you should know:
(1) I love you forever. I'll love you forever. You are so close to my heart that even though you aren't here any longer there are still times when it feels like you're right next to me.
(2) I was embarrassed by all I was going through, by all I'm going through, and I know that you need somebody who doesn't have to face those things and can just love you incessantly and who has less flaws than I do. I'm not perfect. You deserve someone who is perfect.
(3) I'll always regret hurting you, but deep down I'll always know that I did the right thing because I didn't hurt you more which I risked by being a burden in your life and on your happiness. I made your life significantly better by leaving.
(4) I never lied to you about how I felt or how things were. I meant everything that I told you. I love you as much (or more than) I said I did. That's what made all of this so hard.
(5) I'll never forget you. Ever.
(6) If you ever gave me another chance and if you were ever willing to look past my blemishes, I promise I'd love you forever. I know I'd make mistakes. I know I'd fuck up. I'd only hope you could look past the times that I do.
Please be well and please be good to yourself. No matter what happens to me, past all of my problems there's a big shimmering light called you and I care that much more that you're well than I care about myself.
I love you with every ounce of me. And please don't spend a single minute of your time worrying about me because I'll be fine. I always am. I'm unflappable.
With hope and grace,
Sarah