Me [27 F] with my husband [26 M]. Sex is terrible, he won't do anything about it. Please help!

Hey, Just passing by /r/relationships out of curiosity and saw your post.

Thought I would respond as I can see a lot of familliarities in your story. 2 years ago she could have written a very simillar post to yours. I'm a mid 20s guy who has had previous partners and my wife was a virgin and we had shitty sex for a long time. Now our sex life is much less shitty (though it still feels like we're not completely compatible in that area). But she's much more happy, so yay!

First off let me say that I in no way intend to victim blame. If I try and frame something from his perspective that doesn't mean I'm taking his side. If I say "try x" that doesn't mean it's your fualt for not doing x.

Your post paints him as a total dickface but I'm going to work under the assumption that he cares about you and deep down wants you to enjoy sex. If not, the answer is simple: abandon hope and abandon ship.

With my previous partner we just had a good dynamic. It didn't last long so I can't say if it would have stayed like that but it was simple, fun, open and never felt like a minefield.

So when my current partner began to accuse me of being bad at sex it was easy to feel like it was unfair. The language was always "you are not doing it right", "you have a problem", "you can't communicate". It was never "we can't communicate, we have a problem". After all, what grounds did she have for comparisson as a virgin? I knew we had problems but it infuriated me that she would just dump it on my lap without owning up to the fact that it was a problem we should try and work on together. So if you use that kind of language with him I would advise you to please change it. Even if it is 100% his fault phrasing it like that cuts out the possibility that there is anything you can do to help him.

There were many times when she thought I did not care. She would get resigned to the idea of bad sex and assume since I was getting my rocks off that I was having the time of my life. When in reality we were both miserable.

Sometimes it was a difference of terminology. To her, "Harder" means slower (I still can't understand why but I guess it's because I can't know how it feels to her). To me "harder" means faster. So she would keep saying "harder" and be pissed that I would do the exact opposite and jackhammer away every time. We just couldn't verbally communicate things. It took the two of us lying on the bed (after a particullarly bad session) doing childish hand gestures in the air for us to be able to get across what she wanted.

Stop with the bad sex. If you just lie back and think of England then you are not happy and will not be responding to anything he does. Pretty soon it will feel like there is nothing he CAN do to please you. But when in reality it might have been nice if you were in a different headspace. something like this might be a good way to work on it. It doesn't have to be through a therapist or follow the same format, it can just be something you tell him you want to do sometimes.

When he does something wrong tell him what he should do instead. Maybe later you two will be more in tune and he will be aware if your breathing pattern or if you stop reciprocating but it doesn't sound like he's that observant yet, you have to work your way there slowly.

Positive feedback is better than negative feedback. Otherwise it's quick to feel like you're being nagged and be fed up and become even less in tune. "Don't do that" is not helpfull because he might not know what that is. "your arm is hurting me" is a lot less usefull than "I want your arm here", "stop biting my ear" is a lot less usefull than "I want you to kiss my neck", "ow that hurts" is not as good as "I'm not ready yet". You might hate having to guide him through things and think that he should be able to intuit this all by himself but it's a sacrifice you'll have to make and if told afterwards "I really liked when you x" then hopefully it will come more naturally in the future.

Again, it's something we had trouble communicating verbally. What worked better is one person saying "I would like if you did this" and then touching/caressing the other. Maybe do it when he is post orgasmic and not so focused on jumping your bones. touch him for 5-10 minutes the way you want to be touched and ask him to mimic it. Get him used to how your body works.

Also if you guys are using condoms maybe consider another form of birth control if possible. They are advertised as "like wearing nothing at all" and the effect on feeling downplayed to promote safe sex which is a good thing. But, at least from experience, there is little to no sensation and the only way to feel anything is to "jackhammer".

I too do the stupid kicked puppy dog impersonation and I know just how much she hates it. But I really have no other response in my repetoir. I've found that it's actually verry common in a lot of guys. We can...

  • (a) go non emotional and deal with things on a practical level. (prefered and default behaviour)

  • (b) give the middle finger and walk off.

  • (c) get physical.

All these responses make things worse so we're left in "deer in the headlights" mode feeling helpless. Maybe that sounds stupid for someone who is comfortable having an argument but some of us just don't know how to react in some circumstances. For example I can't understand some peoples reaction to fear. The fact that people are incapacitated by phobias and can't walk themselves through that just doesn't make any sense to me. I used to be scared of spiders so I would acclimatize myself to non-poisonous ones. I'm still scared of heights so now I climb cliffs for the adrenalin rush it gives me. Some peoples heads are just wired differently I guess.

I've since become better at a milder version of (b) which is "I'd like to respond. But give me a moment to go make myself some tea first" and in turn she's become better at giving me space and time to reply when we're talking and to be less snappy when voicing a grievance.

AND... I've gone on way too long. Sorry about wall of text.

msging back and forth with my wife now. Going to give her a surprise :P when she gets home now just for being awesome.

I hope things get better for you two. Never feel guilty that this is important for you, it's not something to be ashamed about. Know that sometimes things can get better as people get better at working through this stuff together. Have patience but if things don't progress don't be afraid to take a stand and move out if you have to.

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