One time I was at a college bar with some homies. We stepped outside to get some air and my friend happened to have his Juul on him so we began smoking it like some middle schooler fuck boys. These two drunken dudes walked past us and the bigger dude yelled, "What the fuck are you smoking, CRACK?!".
To the reader, this might sound kinda funny, right? Unfortunately, he said it in this weirdly aggressive, non-comedic tone that just made me question what this guy's problem was. Of course I was a little hammered, so I replied back: "What the fuck did you just say?". The second a word came out of my mouth, these two guys were up in my shit. Like, it caught me completely off guard how fast this guy was to just try to instigate a fight.
This drunken fucker was like 2 inches from my face yelling at me telling me to fight him. I kept saying "NO, I'M NOT GONNA FIGHT YOU. YOU'RE A GOOD FOOT TALLER THAN ME". All of a sudden, he SLAPS the hat off my head. This fucker assaulted my ass, AND he was still right in my face towering over me in an extremely intimidated way. It was at this point that I regretted my decision to say anything.
The best part of this story is that the guy with him, presumably his friend, kept telling me to back off as if I started everything. I hadn't even moved. I was literally still in the same spot I was standing when I was minding my own business. Then, this dude's friend has the audacity to tell me that I need to calm down because he can't control his friend and that he always does this shit so it's better for me to stop talking. At this point, I fucking LOST it. I was literally backed against a wall this entire time with two dudes up in my face. I began SCREAMING at them to leave and back the fuck away from me.
Eventually, everything kind of calmed down as they began walking away because they finally realized that I wasn't going to throw a punch or react in any physical manner. I then decide to go back into the bar to tell my other friends what happened. As I'm talking to my friend, the dude that tried to fight me somehow was back in the bar without me even realizing it. His back was turned to me, so I pointed at him in an attempt to show my friend which guy it was that was causing problems. Literally the second I point at him, he turns around and sees me. Like the god damn Flash this guy is out of his chair back in my face in the bar. The bouncer senses something is up, comes up to me, and KICKS ME OUT because he said that I instigated everything by merely pointing at the guy.
After I leave the bar, one bouncer comes out and sympathetically apologizes to me and says that he's just doing his job. I was confused, tried to explain what actually happened, but it made no difference. I found out from my friend later that night that this guy was a regular at the bar, so they chose not to kick him out but me instead.
Fuck that guy. Fuck that bar. Fuck those bouncers.