Total annihilation of my own autonomy. This has led to indecision, self-doubt, and low self-esteem. Currently working on it, but it is so hard to get out of a hole that has been getting deeper for the entirety of your lifespan.
My mother is an overly anxious, controlling, and manipulative person. She controlled almost every aspect of my life growing up. I have 3 sisters, I am the only boy, and she decided to live through me for some reason.
-She chose my sport for me in 4th grade and wouldn't let me quit, so I had to learn to love it over time. She used guilt and shame to keep me in the sport for 10 years. She wasn't allowed to do the sport when she was in high school, so she lived through me instead.
-She set up play dates with the kids of the women she was friends with. One of those kids ate crayons. I was basically his babysitter when his parents went to dinner parties.
-She and all my teachers taught me to be a doormat to women a la third wave feminism ideology. Also made me ashamed of my own sexuality. The thought of a girl knowing I was sexually attracted to her was horrifying. I was basically a feminine bitch boy.
-She applied me to a university when I did not know what to do with my life and I randomly picked a major I didn't know if I liked or not. (I didn't end up liking it.) She even wrote my fucking essay to get in. I was shamed into going by her telling me all my friends would think I'm a loser if I didn't go.
-She always called me "smart" instead of "hard-working" so I never felt like my work was good enough and it led to what can only be described as a self-destructive perfectionism tied into my ego and self-perception.
-My dad drank every night. Not abusive, just not present or attentive to his only son. He didn't bother to teach me how to be a man.
-The list is extensive but ends here.
At a certain point in high school, I gave up fighting back to her and let her dictate my life. She made me totally dependent on her. This is how she expressed her love for me.
It took me 6 years to graduate college with a 2.1 GPA because I was a fucking closet stoner the whole time due to the apathy of not living my own life. I felt like I was living someone else's and I was an impostor.
Another huge factor is that through college my entire identity was wrapped up in a long distance relationship where she did whatever the fuck she wanted(summer internships across country, summer study abroad in China without me) and I always sacrificed plans to see her. I missed out on so much. The pedestal for her pussy was above the fucking clouds (thank you Disney for making me think there was such thing as a soul mate). I could tell my girlfriend wanted to break up(a D1 athlete showed the slightest interest in her and she was willing to end 4.9 years of what was essentially my hard work for what was bound to be a pump and dump) but she didn't have the courage to end it, so I had to do it. Fucking bitches. Goodbye 75% of my identity as the loyal boyfriend. The rest of it was tied up in my sport because I ended up getting good at it.
Then I graduated and retired from my sport, goodbye other 25% of my identity.
So now I have been sitting at home for months, not knowing what the fuck I want to do with my life, I have no idea what I am passionate about, I have a distrust towards women I fear will never go away, and I am 25 with no professional job experience because I put it all on hold to make my long distance relationship "work."
The most frustrating part is that my mother will never understand how she destroyed me through what she viewed as motherly love and caring. The other frustrating part is that it is all my fault for letting it happen. My only defense is there was no one to guide me down the right path. It's like everyone assumed I knew what I was doing when really it was all my mom.
Another pitfall is that when it comes to male weakness, it is ugly to everyone. It is never met with sympathy unless you pay a therapist. Complaining and expressing your emotions is met with only contempt and a certain degree of disgust. I am utterly alone in my battle to reclaim my life, and it is the biggest obstacle I have ever faced. The fear and doubt is overwhelming. I feel beyond repair a lot of the time.
I really wrote this for me. I just wanted to vent. Thanks for giving me the chance.