As you don't allow introductory threads or posts such that I would like to make, I hope it is alright that I'm posting in this thread.
My name is Evin. Evin isn't my birth name as in, the name given to my body. That name is Rebekah. I am 25 years old. For much of those years, I identified as Rebekah, somewhat because I didn't understand my gender identity, my mental illnesses, or my freedom and right as an adult to name myself.
When I was 8, I created an imaginary friend named Kanii who was a medium sized cat who could speak and enjoyed being outside as much as I did. I had very few real life friends with skin and social security numbers so Kanii was who I played with, who I vented to, and who helped me with what I would later learn was an anxiety problem. She faded when at 12, I gained some real life friends. At 16, I spent much of my time online and I was drawn into the real life vampire and otherkin (therian) communities. Often their versions of reality and consciousness appealed to me more than what my parents expected or what society said was normal and their realities helped me ignore my growing mental issues. In a lot of ways, the friends and ideas that I surrounded myself with were like bandaids over open sores. Kanii once again became someone I vented to when I couldn't be online, someone who never judged me and could love me even though I didn't.
At 17, I met Evin. Kanii introduced us. He was blonde, slender, brazen in his sharp analysis and criticism while withdrawn most of the time not out of shyness but marked disinterest of my bullshit. He felt very much like the person I wished that I was in a lot of ways and I hated him for it initially. Over time, we became close and it was like we were the three musketeers, holding a middle finger high to the outside world.
I don't remember exactly when Damien showed up, maybe a year, possibly two. Soon after him was Luther and Ester and there was a child whose name started with a J. I had very little contact with him as Damien was an asshole who hated me and he was J's keeper. Luther was in his 30s and Ester, his sister, never spoke to me. It wasn't that she hated me but rather I got the feeling that she couldn't to anyone except Luther. Luther helped me get through much of my later high school years and at some point in my early college years, these four faded away almost entirely.
The difference between Kanii and the others is that I remember making her. I remember creating her in my head and pushing for her to become real. Evin always felt like her creation, like something more natural, something genuine. I don't know where the others came from. I didn't create them. Much in the same way Kanii introduced Evin, they seemed to come into existence and I felt that there was some piece of who I was supposed to be in all of them. Over time, especially with the online communities, the facts of them were warped and skewed but at their cores, I believe they were all a part of my core.
College was rough. High school was rough. I'm leaving out large chunks of fact since it doesn't directly relate to the point of this sub but suffice to say, I've been in psychiatric holds 4 times in the last 10 years and dropped out of school a few times. My over-encompassing issues fueled my desire to create these personalities, I think, in efforts to avoid dealing with or accepting those issues. I've done a lot of running away.
When I was 20, I decided that I no longer wanted to be separate. I fully understood that they were parts of me and they all accepted this truth. Kanii and Evin were difficult to let go, even though they weren't really going anywhere. The final feeling of being alone and yet shakily complete was strange and it's taken me a few years to become used to the idea of being alone inside my head however I feel that in order for me to learn to move on and grow in my own life, in the outside world, I needed to make that change. I had to accept a lot of things I didn't like about myself, a lot of issues that I can't fix on my own.
One of those was being androgynous transgender. At 16, I had an emergency surgery to fix a genital issue I'd had since birth and no one asked if I wanted a female body, they just assumed. Having separate entities inside my head let me step back and pretend that I was a creation, that this body wasn't mine, the comfort my female headmates felt in the body was enough. By integrating, I had to accept that this was mine and that if I wanted to be happy, changes will need to be made. It's a struggle some days but retreating into my head will not solve anything.
Evin, Kanii, Damien, Luther, Ester, and J were all parts of me. Sometimes I still feel like I can feel them but it's more, I recognize which pieces of myself were ones that I didn't feel I could deal with. Even though Kanii was the first, the name Evin has grown on me over time and in remembrance of those pieces of myself that have come together to create this person who is working to become a successful human being, I'm renaming myself.
So hello, my name is Evin. I'm androgynous, singular, and this sub reminds me of some good people I once knew (and one almost-complete jerk.)