This is long, I'm so sorry, but I could really use some DA insight here.
I have a few questions. Each scenario is about the same DA (40 M and very strongly DA if that matters)
1) I have a very DA close friend (well, former friend I guess) who would, of his own volition, contact me either via phone call, Skype, email, text, or voice message nearly every day for almost 1.5 years. Though most of our conversation was about academic matters (we are both in academia), he would also regularly open up a lot to me (relatively speaking), seek my advice on his personal & professional life, and showed me his vulnerable side multiple times. He even expressed to me on several occasions how much he treasured our friendship (his words) and how much I meant to him, calling me his 'kindred spirit' and 'soul friend'. I asked him at one point last April if he wanted to cool down the friendship a bit because I knew he was under a lot of pressure in other parts of his life, and he left me a voice message nearly in tears saying that he valued our friendship and wanted closeness with me, asking to set up a time to call to work it out. I suspect he may have had feelings for me though I don't know, but he never acted on them or told me about them since I'm married.
Question 1: Is it normal for a very DA person to keep in such regular contact - that he always initiated (I never called him once) - for a regular friend? Or is this more the behavior of a DA who had feelings? As a DA, would you do this for a close friend?
It wasn't really love bombing as this lasted nearly 2 years and with phone calls and Skype calls, he initiated every single one of them. And towards the end of our friendship, he would call me several times a week.
2) He started a LDR with a very AP woman who, within a week of their relationship starting, told him he was not allowed to contact me any more, that our friendship needed to end (I didn't know about this until later). When he was visiting her when they started dating, out of the blue, he sent me a WhatsApp voice message saying that he would only be contacting me in the future 2 times a week by leaving me a WhatsApp voice message. I was devastated (and he sounded very sad on the message). It came out of nowhere, from my end. I'm very FA (working on becoming secure, but this is before I knew anything about AT) and that triggered HARD my abandonment wound, and I flipped out on him and he totally shut down and was dismissive for the next 4 days while he was finishing his visit with her. He was so cold and calloused towards me, even though he knew I was seriously hurting. When he went back home, he immediately started contacting me regularly again as usual and whenever I tried to bring it up, he would shut down the conversation. I wanted to know what on earth had happened to cause him to effectively end our friendship. When I realized he wasn't going to talk about it (though he said that it made him sad too to have our friendship reduced to 2 voice messages a week, so the idea didn't come from him), I asked him if I could at least have assurance he wouldn't do abandon again, and he changed the subject. This caused me to have a lot of anxiety from September through December because I always felt like our friendship would end again and blindside me.
He and I have had very challenging conversations before when I've been upset with him, and we've always done an amazing job making sure we are both heard and affirmed. I know as a DA he's conflict avoidant, but historically with us, he was always willing to talk.
Question 2: As a DA do you only avoid some conflicts? I can't understand why *this* one was different?
3) I ended the friendship early in January via email. I know he was blindsided. He also has serious abandonment wounds which were undoubtedly triggered. He responded very coldly 5 days later (he normally responded to me within 24 hours) without any apology for his actions and saying that he didn't have the 'time' or 'mental energy' for the type of 'intense' friendship I was looking for. He did all the initiating in our friendship! Even with conversations, I let him pick what we'd talk about. I never pressed him! And I always gave him lots of space when he needed to deactivate, etc. I was very hurt by his seeming indifference, especially considering it took him 5 days to write a very short response.
As a DA, do you think his response (the long delay in responding, the coldness, the lack of apology) is deactivation or indifference?
4) At the end of his cold response, he said if I wanted to talk at any point, that he would be happy to do so and that he would still consider himself my friend. We had no communication for 2.5 months and I unfriended him on all SM because it hurt too much to see his updates. I saw an ad for a dream job that he'd love, so in late March I sent it to him, just the link with nothing else. He wrote back the next day thanking me and giving me a little update about some of his professional activities that he had accomplished (nothing vulnerable!). It was warmish in tone, and he offered to look over some publications that I was working on. I didn't respond for a few days, but around 5 days later, I sent to him an admittedly rather terse email asking him to look over a short publication I had been working on. I gave him no update on myself and it was not particularly friendly (nor was it rude - just very professional and unwarm). He responded 4 days later equally terse and it was clear he hadn't really looked at the piece.
Question 4: As a DA, do you think he was replying to match my tone and coldness since it was a departure from his previously warm(ish) email? Or do you think he was being dishonest in his willingness to look over my publications?
5) Finally, a month ago, I needed an article so I reached out with a warm update with a few pictures (we used to send each other pics on WhatsApp of our adventures). He responded warmly a day later and sent me pictures in return, and we exchanged a couple of warm emails. Then he abruptly stopped communicating.
I gave him another week of silence, and then reached out again with an article that I knew he needed to read, and sent him pictures from a trip I was on. He responded warmly the next day, saying that he had finally watched a documentary I sent to him a year ago and that he enjoyed it. He was reading a book by one of our favorite authors and had been thinking about some of the issues he and I used to discuss together, and that he had watched a sporting event held in my hometown and was drinking a drink that originated in my home state as he was emailing me. He also told me that he had been thinking about me in regards to a graduate program I had applied to.
I responded warmly the next day, sent him more pictures I know he'd love, talked about the travels I was on with another guy friend of mine. He never replied. That was the last I heard from him. That was about 4 weeks ago. Totally unlike him, because there was a lot for him to respond to.
Question 5: Am I receiving the 'silent treatment'? Thoughts on why? The only things I can think of are:
1) I was talking about trips I was having with other guy friends, and perhaps he was upset about that? But I don't think so, because he didn't seem to care in other emails that I sent when I talked about that.
2) In his last email, he had sent me one of his forthcoming publications that he is co-authoring it with someone who is not as impressive as he. I was trying to be tactful so I said 'Some chapters look to be very interesting! I look forward to hearing what the publisher says. Does it take them long to get back to you?' Perhaps he got mad at that?
3) When I sent the pictures, I mentioned that I had sent 300 pictures to my friends on WhatsApp, and since he was one that I used to send them to, perhaps that upset him?
4) I also put captions under the pictures that I had copied from FB, which he was no longer able to see b/c I unfriended him. I know he knows they are from FB bc of the formatting. Perhaps that triggered him?
I never heard back from him, even though I emailed him 3 more times, 2 of them very friendly and the final one, about 2 weeks later, telling him that I care about him and that if he ever needs a friend, he knows how to reach me. My arms are always open. Never heard back (and I didn't expect to on that last one).
I just wish I knew why he seemed warm then twice just completely shut down and stopped talking altogether. The first time he did that, I reached out a week later and he was warm. This last time, he stayed silent even though I gave him a week of space. Indifference or triggered? Would you reach out as a DA given what I've laid out, or do you think I'm unlikely to ever hear from him again?