UPDATE: My friend said she will let me know when she is free to call tonight. I don't trust her to do this because she's gotten into the habit of not following through.

Do you guys think this apology is too personal? Someone else read it on another forum and told me they think I say "you" too many times. I think that's valid criticism, but the idea here is to connect with this person, not make a bunch of generic statements...I don't want to activate her though or make things worse...

There is so much I want to apologize for in addition to what I mention in this apology. I've been unnecessarily cold to my friend out of spite (her dismissive behavior has really hurt me), and I've made so many anxious mistakes. I feel like they are all rooted in this one event, though.

More than anything, I worry about actually having this conversation with my friend and its aftermath. I expect her to shy away from this difficult subject and insist things are "all good" or deny bad things I say about myself in an attempt to "people-please" me. That's how our "serious talks" have all gone since things changed between us. I know not to expect immediate results, even if I'd like to see them, but I'm so scared my friend will just absorb what I say and will continue withholding kindness from me. There's so much I miss about her and how she used to treat me/what we used to do together (that's why I fell for her despite the physical distance between us), and I just want to be able to experience that again. I don't know the healthy/right way to communicate that. I want to get through to her and show I just want us to be happy, not that I have all these "unhealthy expectations" on her. I don't want her to feel pressured, but I want to communicate my needs and can assume with basic certainty she will not ask what she needs from me to feel better...