*#fuck man just go outside, talk to some real people, they don’t even have
to be women, just make some friends that won’t ignore you for no reason
whatsoever despite both of you having a relatively heathy relationship
and talking to each other every night, as you blame yourself every night
for it happening, thinking why? why? why? as you stressfully and
anxiously pass each other, knowing that things won’t be like they used
to be again. was it my fault? was it their fault? did they find another
person they could trust, another person they could talk to and look at
easier, another person who clearly didn’t annoy them whenever they
talked to them? another person who never stared at them with awkward eye
contact when their other friends were talking with each other? another
person they could tell just about anything to without worrying what they
would think? or maybe they found another person that they could talk to
in the middle of the night, where everyone else is asleep but they
aren’t, where i could say anything i wanted to. everything i wanted to.
but i never could. i never could say everything. i worried what they
would think. i worried how they would see me. i worried about
everything. i worried about them. maybe it was my fault. maybe it was
theirs. maybe it was us as a whole. us silly bunch. i don’t know, and i
can’t say. these things keep me up at night, and i just feel like
screaming and kicking everything whenever i look. screaming and kicking
everything i lost. everything i ever thought of. everything i ever
wanted. my friends must be tired about me talking about this every day.
they think i can just be so casual about this and just ask them just
like that. i just cant. were too personal. my friends never knew what
happened behind those 207 full pages of texts, not even texts
themselves, but pages. neither did i. neither did they. we constantly
went off ranting about every day, acknowledging. listening. i soon
learned all about them, knew every single aspect of them. liked every
single aspect of them, good or not. i got to know them. i genuinely did.
but the online barrier did so much good. but, meeting and getting to
know someone online is drastically different from meeting someone in
person. in person, well that’s a big difference of a story. in person is
when the anxiety came. i just couldn’t handle it. i tried to play it
cool and act like it wasn’t a big deal, but oftentimes i would find
myself shaking and bursting with excitement every time the outside part
came. this eventually led up to built up anxiety and no self confidence
that they actually don’t really hate me. all of this led to a fucking
rabbit hole i can’t get myself out of unless i confront them. but i just
cant. they purposely ignore me, yet often times, no matter the
distance, our eyes meet. no, they lock into contact. i try and shake it
off, but it just hurts me. it pains me to think of everything lost. all
those good times doing things like gaming, or even talking about others
are gone. i loved those moments, even if they weren’t such loveable
context. maybe i’m going crazy, maybe i’m just being obsessive. but i
have to do something about this, but for now i’ll just wallow in my
room, getting anxious whenever i mention what’s happening them to my
friends. at least i still have my friends. i guess*