Growing up my dad was an alcoholic. My parents were divorced but I saw him on the weekends and such. My mom left him because he was abusive and a drunk. When I was 2 she left him. We lived with my uncle til I was 5 when she got her (our) first apartment. Moving in is my first memory.
He was still in love with my mom. (He got remarried when I was 13. Three months before the wedding he sent my mom a letter telling her he still loved her & wouldn't get married if she would give him another chance).
Two things happened that fucked me up.
It was shortly after we moved in when he came to our house in the middle of the night drunk. I remember him screaming threatening to take me if she didn't go back with him. (He held a sawed off shotgun to my uncle's face the last time she left him.)
After that my anxiety & insomnia started.
My mom started to see someone who eventually became my step-father. He was not a psycho fighter like my dad. Every time I saw him he would ask me "does M put his hands on you" Every time I said "no". I was about 7 when we were at the park & he asked me as per usual. I said yes. He asked where, I pointed to my butt. (I wrote on the fringe with a marker, he spanked me lightly on the butt once) He became real angry. He put me in the car saying we're going to your moms.
My stomach dropped. I realized what I has done. I was shaking with anxiety. So we get there. I remember we were all sitting in the living room. Suddenly my father grabs M and throws him across the room, jumps on him beating the shit out of him.
My mom runs over kicking him in the back & punching him in the head. I ran to the door banging & screaming for help. My uncle was on the other side yelling to let him in. She put the chainlock on for some reason but I couldn't reach it. Someone called the cops. They came & aressted my dad. After that M kept his distance for awhile. I suppose he was scared but I don't blame him.
I was afraid of my father for a long time. Not because I thought he would hit me (he never put his hands on me). He made me nervous. I was always afraid he would come to my house acting like a crazy person.
The day I died inside. He has a daughter with his ex-wife. They had her when I was 19. I guess I was about 23 at the time making her 4. He says to me one day "I don't want to make the same mistake with her that I did you".
Idk why it was then I felt like I died inside considering all the shit he put me through throughout my life.