Thanks for responding, you don't have to read all this -
You know, I don't know. I said she doesn't have any mental illness but she acts a lot like someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. She is one of those people that you have to literally write down what she did or said and read it back to her so she has to realize what she said. She can't really be reasoned with sometimes and accuses people of things and you have to tell her she's wrong.
Exhibit A, went to a rave with me and a guy she was "seeing". She left without telling me, leaving me alone my first time on real drugs (acid). I was crying on my first acid trip because of her and the next day I told her she ditched me and she said "no, you ditched ME!" and I had to explain to her the amount of times to make sure she wasn't lost and turned around to look for her vs. the amount of times she made sure I was with her (zero, she fucking left)
Exhibit B, She had a colossal meltdown over me having to go like 30 minutes late to a party with her and I had to explain to her that sometimes these things happen and it wasn't a personal thing and I had to prove what I was doing to settle her down so we could still go. Also involving parties, one time I hopped out of the trunk at our extravagant party destination, which was the projects, and I had to explain the very serious danger two little underage white girls being at a party in very obvious Blood territory is. She thought I was trying to ruin her fun.
And finally Exhibit C, my mother died very suddenly and unexpectedly when I was a teenager and because she had a problem with the person I was seeing at the time, she didn't go. She blew up on me and I literally had to explain to her that you are throwing a fit at me about your feelings, when I am two hours away from burying my fucking mother. Then she made a sappy Facebook post about how she loved my mom and just couldn't go because she just felt so bad, man, I don't fucking know, I didn't read that bullshit, someone just told me.
I stopped talking to her after the funeral incident, that was unforgivable in my eyes. Eventually I came to forgive that and I even sang at her wedding. But I posted all this because it's the same behaviors from her. I might be mentally ill, I might be a fucking loser, I might be boring, but one thing I am not is selfish. What's selfish is going off on someone for being so fucking sick and miserable they nearly die from a disease, like it is a personal dig at you.
The issue is that she is "family". My dad is a lecherous philanderer (read: not criminal) who was off with girlfriends only months after my mother passed away and ended up marrying her mother, so I have to see her now. That's the problem. I can't enjoy Thanksgiving, I can't enjoy Christmas, I can't have pizza and try to get to know my step-mother well because she is a constant block there, and I am trying to make it work but I can't even be in the same room as her because she makes me extremely uncomfortable and upset, very visibly and to the point of tears, and she does not care.
This is going to sound mean but she is a fucking dumbass and I'm in MENSA and I'm not saying that to say I'm better than her because obviously one of us doesn't hate our lives, but I cannot rip into her like that, it would be like bullying a disabled kid. She cannot read basic words like "practicality", she probably cannot do basic multiplication, and cannot tell you a single detail about the civil war. I shit you not, if you put a gun to her head she could not tell you when it was fought, who fought it, where, why, and what happened.
I gain nothing from letting off steam with words because unfortunately that is my only talent and the last time I did that I felt really fucking horrible and ended up apologizing anyway. I have thought maybe two or three times about just yelling at her asking her if she has a soul, how the fuck could you say that, I almost lost my life and I trusted you, etc., but it will just make things worse.
It's 4 AM, I don't know why I'm writing this, this shit sucks. I think I am just going to do the right thing by never talking to her again but I'll always know that I at least tried, that a lot of other people would have called her all sorts of shit and tried to get even but I tried to make things right. I don't know, maybe I can erase her from my memory but not forget that the last thing I said to her was pleasant and civil and an attempt to make amends.
It just sucks, man. I just don't know why you would make someone who already feels that they are worthless and they are better off dead, even worse.