It all comes down to trust. I run into similar issues with my wife. So the root of the problem as far as it sounds to me me is trust.

You want someone who will accept and still love you and fulfill this kink with you, without judging or thinking less of you. There is a type of girl you are attracted too, you thrive on that energy and excitement of her being flirtatious and even unfaithful. Let’s face it, you didn’t go and find yourself a submissive librarian type. You found the exciting promiscuous woman that turns you on.

Where you feel shame and fear unacceptance for being less than a man and thus worry that your partner will not love and respect you for your kink. She on the other hand fears (probably from experiences in past relationships) and feels shame for her hyper sexual ego. She is not just flirtatious, she cheats also. She doesn’t believe someone will accept that part of her. That is the “trap” she is referring too. She gives you complete honesty about wanting or cheating on you with other men and “Bam!” the trap swings shut. You get pissed, judge, and hate her.

You didn’t change her with your scolding. You can no more change her than she can change you. You just drove her underground. She now flirts and cheats when you aren’t around. Deep down you suspect/know this already, and it turns you on. It drives you mad, bc you know if she would just be honest about it, you two would be perfect for each other. But bc she isn’t honest about it, that feeds into your fear that she really doesn’t love or respect you, you assume it’s bc you are a cuck. It’s not… it’s bc you are a jackass. Just like you don’t hate her for being a slut, you hate her for being a liar.

You too need to work out your trust issues. You need to find some confidence and comfort in your own skin. That will help you stop sending mixed signals, and might… just might bring her now underground infidelities back out in the open. She won’t be willing to expose herself anymore than you will in an environment without trust.

Relax… know she is already doing the things you wish she would. If you can stop acting like a jackass about her promiscuous behavior, in time she may learn to trust you and feel safe enough to be open about it. In the meantime let her keep fucking your friends behind your back and quit bitching about it