I, very much like you, did a hell of a lot of reading before I actually worked up the courage to... Act on the impulse.

I researched both sides, being the curious person I am. Also wanting to be a total nonconformist I did a lot of reading on the dominant side of things as I was determined not to be painted with a brush that didn't belong on me just because I am a masochist. Causing pain or discomfort of any kind makes me... Squeamish. Which is not to say I don't leave bite marks or scratches, I do, but the first time I did I was horrified and didn't mark Daddy up again for ages. I drew a little blood once and was hesitant to even put my hands on him for months after. He has to reassure me when I mark him up still, though I'm not as torn up by it these days. I still haven't left marks like I did that first time though.

Anyway. Enough of a trip down memory lane.

I did the reading and the research and I fantasised and day dreamed and wrote in my journal for aaaaagggggeees before I got the courage to indulge.

I knew, after all the reading, that I leaned heavily in favour of the submissive, despite my attempts to tell myself I would not be pigeonholed. I occasionally indulge in the idle thought of slightly domme fantasy but it's very specific and it doesn't push my buttons the way submission does. I find submission to be overall life satisfying, and the dommey things are just sexual fantasy, and very fleeting.

As for specifically fitting into some category or another, I don't think I do. There are elements all over the place. I know I don't want to be in charge, I know I like pain and discomfort, and I know I want to be taken care of, looked after, protected, and held responsible. That's what I know. Where all that fits specifically I couldn't tell you.

Shame and embarrassment... I've been careful, as I know myself and my tendencies and I've suffered from emotional, psychological, and physical abuse both as a child, and of the marital variety. This causes a lot of... Issues when I address a want or desire because I question why I want these things and whether or not it is healthy to indulge them. It's not so much shame though.

I am, however, embarrassed by some of my thoughts, desires, fantasies still. Even now. I have issues communicating these things to Daddy but I manage it one way or another, eventually. Usually in writing because making the words come out of my mouth is impossible without specific and direct orders to do so. I can't tell you how to get over it because I still haven't, and part of that might be my masochism. Emotional masochist as well as physical I suppose.