NRD Peeps, please bear with me. I want it out of my chest lol.
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K,
I saw your post. I know you're looking for me.
I just don't understand why. I'll be lying if I say that it didn't affect me, because it did. Two years after you broke my heart AGAIN, I thought okay na ako. That I finally moved past you and everything you've done... and yet I still felt that familiar pang of pain in my chest after I've read your effortless post.
I've always thought that once I accepted everything as it is, I can now feel at peace; and I do. I learned and fought hard to forgive myself, every single day, for letting you down and for all my shortcomings to you as your partner, your barkada, and your "best" friend.
I spent 8 years of my life trying to chase your shadows. Literally getting drunk night after night just so I could have another excuse to message you (charged to liquid courage, right?). I blamed myself for not fighting for you, for not being strong enough to run away with you, and for choosing to love someone else when you loved me so... but most especially, I blamed myself for refusing to be your 'home' when you're suffering alone overseas.
I am sorry. For all the pain that I may have caused you in this lifetime, I am deeply sorry.
I'll always wonder if you can forgive me for everything I've done, and for all the things I didn't and refused to do. But I hope you can understand that I cannot leave my family and my entire life for you, when you haven't been a consistent person in my life. I was scared. I will continue to be scared, probably for the rest of my life.
You were my saving grace, and I'm very grateful for that. I wouldn't be alive today if it wasn't for you.
But I cannot do this. I don't want to suffer the consequence of letting you back in my life. The pain alone is unbearable, enough to make me go crazy. I cannot go through that same thing again because I know I wouldn't make it this time.
And truthfully, I don't think you still love me. At this point I'm not even sure if you loved me at all.
You promised to marry me. But you also promised that you'll never hurt me, or cheat on me. Your promises are built on soft ground of lies. They're not worth shit.
Anyways. I hope you'll have a good, long life.
Please stop cheating on your girlfriend. Love her right.