I was nearly going to delete this post (I have a bad habit of doing it because I feel guilty after for being ungrateful for what I've got)...I'm seriously crying now, thank you for writing this
felt completely trapped and hopeless, I didn't see any way for the situation to change, and I resented the FUCK out of my husband because the whole wife/mother thing was never a part of my plan for my life; it's something I did for him. I felt like I lost myself--something I swore I'd never do--and my whole identity had become "[Husband's] wife" and "[Son's] mom." I was dangerously close to an emotional breakdown.
All of this. I literally had to get Valium last week because I pretty much ended up a ball of crying mess in the corner.
For me, my career is more than just the money. The money is definitely important, but I'm a task driven person who derives satisfaction from project completion and implementation. Those needs weren't being met when the vast majority of my focus was on my child and home (because the dishes/laundry are never really done, clean rooms are destroyed within minutes, and kids aren't a task that can be completed. I could spend a week busting my ass and have literally nothing to show for it.
And this. It's not even about money, it's about self actualisation. Not that I think doing coke is self actualisation (it was only a few times), but I just thought of it because it's the experience I miss, I used to DO things, try things, go places, look forward to things, work FOR A REASON. Being at home trying to stay on top of all this boring shit is the perfect example of the law of diminishing returns, the harder you try, the less you achieve.
I have been considering putting him in another day if I can get it. I have just been resentful because that's my husband's only offering, instead of offering to help me with the house etc. I waste at least 1/3 of my scant day care hours on chores for them. But it's got to the stage that I think I need to do it for myself, I don't want to be annoyed with my little boy all the time. I don't want to wish away time with him.
Also you're right, it might help with my husband, I'm always ASKING him instead of telling him what I want and what's going to happen, it can't be all on his terms anymore. I don't think he means to be mysogynistic, but that's how it's ended up.
Thanks so much for writing this, really...I feel really conflicted all the time, guilty and sad because I don't think I deserve to complain, but also being eaten from the inside out with anger, I really was about to lose it right now, feels like a hug to have someone understand! Thanks x