Hello. I really need advice on how to negotiate the relationships in my life.
I have been dating my current boyfriend for almost 2 years. Our relationship is stable and we intend on spending our futures together. We have discussed how we would like to raise children, our expectations of marriage, our financial expectations, and other difficult or potentially controversial topics. My point is, we aren't simply in the “puppy love” stage of our relationship. We try to discuss the realities of making a relationship work very regularly to ensure we are on the same page. I am very confident that he and I have what it takes to build a very successful and happy life together. We love each other deeply and our morals and goals are very compatible. We are even keeping a shared journal together to document our emotions, struggles, and experiences in the relationship to grow from and build off of. He is everything that I have ever wanted or needed from a partner.
*I am 22 and my boyfriend is 24. We do not intend on becoming married or having children until we are both financially ready. I just graduated undergrad and my boyfriend just completed his masters degree.
From our perspective, within our relationship we have the perfect life. I couldn’t be more confident that he is the one for me and that I have found the man that I will spend the rest of my life with. We have widespread support from his family and both of our friend groups.
The only conflict we have is with my family. My boyfriend does not approve of how I handle my family’s rejection of him.
The problem is, that from my parent’s perspective, my boyfriend should not be in my life. My parents are very conservative people (my father in particular) and my boyfriend is black and has a career in social work. From my father’s perspective, this is a very negative combination. He doesn’t believe that I am making the right choices in dating my boyfriend and in an attempt to express this belief, my father has refused to meet my boyfriend for the past two years. This situation has been made significantly worse during this time period because of all of the race issues gaining media attention.
He sees most black people as lazy, volatile, and underserving. He believes that if I am dating a black man, my reputation will be brought down and I will lead a less “successful” life (whatever that means). He also fears that I will come to physical harm if I travel anywhere and I encounter other racist individuals in our country. He also seems to be fearful of my future children who will appear mixed and he has argued that I will be forcing these children to have an identity crisis and bringing children into the world who will now have to deal with racism. It is true that my future children will probably experience racism, however I believe my boyfriend and I are strong enough to help our children through any hardships they may experience. My boyfriend certainly has experienced his share of overt and subtle racism and will be able to help our children negotiate this territory when the time comes.
While in some ways, I appreciate that my father is very forward thinking with this relationship in discussing our future life together, before he can conjure up horror stories, I think it is essential that the two meet so he can understand my boyfriend as an individual in the present. I believe if he knew the man I was dating, he would understand why his characteristics are a good match with mine. But it is impossible to have a civil conversation about my everyday experiences with my boyfriend when I am constantly defending the relationship as a whole.
One of the biggest problems that the conflict between my father and I has caused is that my mother is caught in the crosshairs. My father can be very angry and volatile himself and he tends to make negative comments about me and about black people regularly when stories come on the news. My mother has become fed up and resentful that she has to sit through these comments, but does not speak up. I fear she also completely disapproves with my choice to be with my boyfriend and this is partially because her life with my father has become more unpleasant. I cannot talk about my boyfriend to my immediate family. If I talk about him to my mother, she does not respond in any way. My comments are ignored and she changes the subject.
In the beginning, I thought my relationship with my boyfriend had the support of my extended family as well as my mother. While most of my extended family still supports my boyfriend and I, my mother, aunt, and uncle all have withdrawn some support. My aunt and mother called a meeting with me over the summer and expressed to me that I can either choose my boyfriend or my family but I cannot choose both. And my aunt stressed that I am putting my mother through a “living hell” with my choices and could not believe that I continued to choose to remain with my boyfriend. I cannot accept this ultimatum. For me, there is no way to choose one or the other.
My family is my family. I will not choose to leave them. And I would never leave my boyfriend just to appease my family.
The problem is that this conflict just seems to keep evolving. When I was away for college, I would spend the weekend at my boyfriend’s house and now that I am graduated, our visits with each other are very restricted. Though my father has finally accepted that I will be seeing my boyfriend at some points during the week, the two still have not met and I am not permitted to stay the night.
Despite everything that has transpired, I understand his request that I do not stay the night. On principle, as a father, this request is very reasonable. I would like to respect that request.
The problem is that with all of the history of disapproval that my boyfriend has faced, he is very hurt when he sees me falling in line with some of my family’s wishes. It is as if I am choosing them over him when I listen to my family’s desires, and it is like I am choosing my boyfriend over my family when I defy them.
If none of the racist issues were occurring at the same time, this would be a lot easier to handle. However, because of the negative history, it is hard for my boyfriend to separate their intentions as disapproving, racist parents with their intentions as conscientious parents who simply do not want their daughter sleeping at a boyfriends house.
I don’t know how to proceed from here.
My relationship with my mother is worse off because of my relationship with my boyfriend. I do not know if or when my father will come around. If my father does decided to accept my boyfriend in the future, I do not know how we will all move past everything that has transpired over the last two years. I cannot reasonably expect any of the parties involved to fully heal from this experience and I do not expect that my boyfriends family will ever accept my family due to the pain my family has caused my boyfriend.
I simply want everyone to be able to be civil. I love everyone in my life in different ways and I want there to be a way that my life is not so divided.
I can be happy with my family when my boyfriend is not a topic of argument, but my relationship is constantly causing slight strain and I am always happy with my boyfriend, but my family is always in the background causing slight strain as well.
I’m not sure how to proceed.