I'm not going to lie... I actually reeeeally hope that all of you can understand how famous I should be for shitting my pants... as an adult. I'll tell one of the many stories.

While stationed in Hawaii, I was standing guard for the sub (I'm losing the Navy jargon so it's easier to understand). Now, while on guard on a tropical island, while wearing a pistol strapped to your thigh and a 12ga slung over your shoulder, it gets pretty hot. And on this particular day, I had to stand guard during dinner. So a guy came up and took over for me for a few minutes so I could eat. I don't remember what it was, but it soon left my body anyway. So I ate. Fast. Then I ran back up to take over the guard again so the I was dickin' over the dude doing me a favor. So there I am, talking with one of the other dudes on guard with me, and my tummy rumbles. Then it starts to hurt a little. You know what I'm talking about. That pain that you've felt many times as a child and now associate it with poopie time. So I picked up the phone and called down to a guy and asked him to find me a relief so that I can use the head. If you don't know, it's a huge no-no to go use the bathroom while on a security watch; especially with weapons. Anyway, the guy was pissed because I literally just came back on watch 10 minutes ago. I told him that the situation was serious. Just at that time the officer in charge for the day came across and onto the boat with his wife and they went below. Over the next few minutes I did my best to walk around and be a "show of force", but my bowels were very unhappy and had other plans. My stomach was still hurting and growling. I could feel that terrible, awkward pressure brewing inside of my body. I ran back over to the phone and the other guy I was on watch with and told him to call back down. The situation was now dire. The guy below picks up the phone and the conversation that happened was too little; too late. He says "Hey, HurleyBurger still needs a relief." "Seriously? Well, can he..." "Oh, nevermind." "What do you mean nevermind?" "HurleyBurger says he just shit himself, but he will need a relief to empty his pants." So there I was... carrying firearms, sweating, and crapping my pants. The worst part, there are two worst parts. The first being that just as the deed is being dropped like a bomb at Nagasaki, the officer in charge was walking across to shore with his wife. The second, the holster straps for my pistol held the terdlets at the top of my leg. Right between my quad and butt. So every step I took just mushed the matter into more and more bits. Obviously, before anyone got me a relief, everyone came up topside and made fun of me. Once I stepped up onto the brow, my friend, Jake (name changed of course), smacks me on the ass and says "Good game!" No one would give me a ride back to the barracks so I could shower and change. So I had to walk about a quarter mile back to the barracks slathered in poo. Once I got back, all the other guys were playing champagne pong (yep, we're a classy bunch) and invited me to play a game.

TL;DR I was standing a security watch on the sub; and in a disgusting shitty, sweaty heap, I was "good game"'d.