I was raised with absent parents because they both worked, this usually left me and my sisters alone, they'd make life unbearable for me. I should have had a pretty good life with all things considered, but it felt more like I was trying to fake it until I made it, this didn't work out obviously. I had something really bad happen to me which forced me to question my entire belief system, it didn't help I had people judging me for not repenting my sins and shit, but after being overwhelmed with my emotions I tried to kill myself to make everything stop. I obviously failed, after that I swore I'd give life a second chance until I was 18, and if I still felt the same way I'd kill myself (The time will be up in a few months).

I'd typically cry myself to sleep most nights of my childhood but after one night I just stopped feeling things, it was like a complete personality change instantly, it's so weird how different I am now compared to who I once was. I stopped believing in god and started looking at problems from a logical standpoint, I'd often appear completely desensitised from every situation, but sometimes I would act completely illogical when I would feel anger (Luckily this is rare). The first time I felt anger after being desensitised I almost killed my sisters, they triggered an episode which forced me to relive a really bad memory, this made all the feelings I had before come rushing back and completely overwhelm me. The weird thing is that I don't feel regret at all, I simply see these situations as unfortunate, it's like I've lost the ability to care about anything. This is what I mean by the complete change in personality, I've considered depression but I don't believe it to be the case, in my opinion it's more likely I'm a sociopath due to how I acted during the personality change.

The personality change had a huge impact on how I view the world, I began hurting those around me for entertainment until I almost killed my sisters, it was in that moment I could finally see what I was doing and capable of. I slowly started isolating myself from people in fear I'd hurt them, while I was afraid I might hurt people I was still very much fascinated with how their minds work, what makes me so different from normal people is what I'd ask.

I've learned a lot by getting into the mind sets of various different people over the years, I do have to say that I'm more interested in criminals than your average joe, but the thing which make me get dripping wet is thinking about what would push your regular joe to become a violent criminal. While I do have the same type of personality typically associated with many criminals, I lack the desire to hurt others, what's the point in doing something if you get no enjoyment out of it?

I probably wouldn't say this change was good, while I do like my personality, I'm not blind to see it's self destructive. There's only one end result for a person like me, and sadly that's most likely death at a young age, it'd be surprising if I hit my 20s. I only think about these things because I get bored, thinking seems to be my cheat key for my mind, most people with a similar personality to mine need action to satisfy that unbearable feeling.