I have been diagnosed with several mental disorders and to this day I am not sure what is really wrong with me. The most recent diagnosis being schizophrenia. I have been taking medications since 2007 hopelessly and in 2010 had a suicide attempt while in the military. I was exceptional at my job but the way you are treated as less than a human has permanently destroyed my viewpoints on the world. I have reached a point of hopelessness that when my toilet broke that I am too concerned with other people judging me and treating me as less than a human that instead of getting my toilet fixed I poop in buckets. I haven't brushed my teeth in years and rarely shower between months. I have no care for myself or the world around me.

I have daily thoughts of suicide, homicide, and the only thing that keeps me from acting on these thoughts is a sense of morality. I go to mental health at least once a week sometimes twice. I was in adult foster care for two weeks (which dramatically improved my mood) before it was determined that I didn't need the services I required due to budget cuts. I am not considered in need of the services because I can rationalize right and wrong and struggle to get the help I need. I have taken meds for over 7 years and none have had an affect on me that wasn't physical illness but it has gotten to the point where I am accused of not taking my meds rather than the meds being inadequate themselves. There is only one mental health worker that I actually trust because the rest of such feigned empathy that you can taste it across the room. However the one I trust has no pull in the system to help me get the services I need to keep sane.

I go into delusional episodes where I do not think anything will change without drastic action. I have to argue with myself to not "prove" that I am sick by fulfilling my violent thoughts. I desperately need help and cannot get it from the mental health services provided to me because in the end it is about money to them. Money trumps need in the US. I pray everyday that I can keep my head on straight and not regain the conviction I had on the day I tried to commit suicide.

I have not had a single significant relationship in my life and have lived my life alone. My father was abusive when I was a child and my mother is too religious to even understand what I go through. Every time I try to explain it she just spouts "That's not you it's the devil.". I feel like I have literally no place to go to get the help I need. In my experience telling the truth about how you feel and how your illness affects only makes people misunderstand you more. To this very moment I hope my life is taken by freak circumstances so that my mother won't have to deal with my eventual suicide by my own hands or as a result of actions performed by me.