My dad was an extremely abusive person and did a lot of atrocious stuff to me that I'm still struggling with every day. Now that he's dead I miss him and think about him all the time and it confuses me because I was terrified and driven to panic attacks at the idea of being around him but he was still my dad.

I regret that I didn't try to meet him half way when he reached out to me. I regret that I didn't visit him or when I did that I couldn't stay very long because of the anxiety. I regret that when he was in the hospital dying I couldn't man up and stay there for more than a few minutes. I regret that I never asked all the questions I had for him or tried to understand why he was who he was.

He did so many horrible things and ruined my life but I can't help but remember when I was little and he tried to teach me how to ride a bike or the fun little family road trips we all had or how funny he was.

I don't know how I can miss someone I couldn't stay in the same room with, but I do and it eats me up inside