GREETINGS SLIGHTLY DISGRUNTLED KOMRADES AND WHALE-CUM WELCOME TO URSINE FURY EPISODE 2: ELECTRIC MECHALOO WEEK LATE EDIT SHHHH
TODAY MY BELOVED PGI DEVS, WE SHALL BE TALKING ABOUT THE LACK OF (∩ ๏ v ๏ )⊃━☆ﾟ.* poof poof sparkle sparkle VISION IN MWO
TO DO THIS EFFECTIVELY I WILL BE COMPARING MECHWARRIOR AND YOUR STUDIO TO ANOTHER GAME AND DEVELOPMENT GROUP THAT I ACTUALLY HAVE A MODICUM OF RESPECT FOR
THE GOAL OF THIS COMPARISON IS TO MAKE YOU, MY DEAR PGI, LOOK BAD
TBH IT ISN'T REALLY A HARD GOAL TO REACH BUT I WAS KINDA LAZY THIS WEEK YOU KNOW? I DIDN'T WANT TO EXERT THAT MUCH EFFORT WHEN I SAT DOWN TO TYPE THIS POST SO I SORTA JUST ROLLED MY FACE OVER THE KEYBOARD A FEW TIMES AND TA DA OUT CAME A BLAND "CRITICISM" OF PGI'S MYRIAD FAULTS (ALSO FANBOYING A COMPLETELY UNRELATED GAME LOL OOPS)
SOMETHING SOMETHING LOW HANGING FRUIT
TO BE PERFECTLY CLEAR THOUGH I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I ACTUALLY DIDN'T PLAY YOUR SHITTY GAME FOR THE PAST TWO THREE TWO AND A HALF(? [I MEAN I EXPERIMENTED WITH THE HUNTSMAN FOR LIKE TWO DAYS LOL]) WEEKS I MAY HAVE FORGOTTEN TO POST THIS LAST WEEK OOPS
AGAIN
LAST WEEK TWO WEEKS AGO I WAS TOO BUSY PLAYING MATT DAMON SIMULATOR 2016 AND TRYING TO OUTRUN LIFELIKE CHINESE CARTOON PORN MONSTERS AND THE WEEK BEFORE THAT I WAS PLAYING ELITE: DANGEROUS BECAUSE I HAVE GOALS I WANT TO ACHIEVE IN IT AND I BELIEVE IT HAS MORE CONTENT AND DEPTH THAN YOUR SHITTY GIANT ROBOT ARENA SHOOTER
*[WEEK LATE EDIT: JESUS FUCK WHAT EVEN IS THE WORD "WEEK"
WEEK
WEEK
IS THAT A VERB? IT SOUNDS LIKE A WORD YOU'D USE TO DESCRIBE A KILLER MARIJUANA HIT
YO MAN I TOTALLY JUST WEEKED THE SHIT OUT OF THAT BONG]*
LET'S PAUSE FOR A MOMENT AND REFLECT ON WHAT I JUST SAID
THE MOST COMMON CRITICISM OF ELITE DANGEROUS IS THAT IT'S WIDE AS AN OCEAN BUT HAS THE DEPTH OF A PUDDLE
IF A PUDDLE HAS MORE DEPTH, WHAT IN PAUL'S SHINY ASSCRACK DOES THAT MAKE YOUR GAME, PGI?
WATER VAPOR?
BELIEVE IT OR NOT BOTH GAMES HAVE A BUNCH IN COMMON. ELITE AND MWO:
ELITE HAS VIRTUAL REALITY THOUGH, SO YOU SHOULD GET ON THAT PGI AND GIVE MWO RIFT/VIVE SUPPORT
WHAT AN ABSO-JESUSMASTURBATING-LUTELY HILARIOUS JOKE THAT WAS GUYS WASN'T THAT THE BEST FUNNY YOU'VE HEARD ALL WEEK HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAKILLME
SO WHAT ARE THE DIFFERENCES?
WELL FRONTIER DEVELOPMENT (ELITE'S DEV) ACTUALLY CARES AND KNOWS WHAT THEY WANT THEIR GAME TO BECOME
SHIT PGI YOU DIDN'T CATCH THAT? SORRY I WAS WHISPERING, LET ME REPEAT MYSELF BECAUSE YOU'RE MORE DEAF THAN MY DEAD TWENTY YEAR OLD CRAZY CAT WHO COULDN'T EVEN HEAR THE CAR THAT REKT HER (RIP SQUEAKS I HAD TO SCRUB THOSE PISS-STAINED CARPETS GOOD YA LITTLE SHITTER)
THEY KNEW, FROM DAY ONE, WHAT THEY WANTED THEIR GAME TO BECOME. THEIR ROADMAP WAS ACCURATE, THEY KNEW HOW LONG IT WOULD APPROXIMATELY TAKE (THE PLAN IS OVER A TEN YEAR PERIOD OR SOME SHIT) AND
WAIT FOR IT
THEY LISTEN TO AND INTERACT WITH THEIR CUSTOMERS (SOMETIMES A BIT TOO MUCH IN FACT, WHICH IS DEPRESSINGLY IRONIC GIVEN WHICH SUBREDDIT I'M CURRENTLY SHITPOSTING IN)
YOU SEE WHERE I'M GOING WITH THIS, PGI?
PROBABLY NOT
HERE LET ME GIVE YOU SOME EXAMPLES
ELITE'S PATCH 2.2 IS COMING IN MID- LATE-OCTOBER (LOL TOO MANY BETAS AND BUGFIXES, RIP) AND ONE OF THE SMALLER FEATURES INCLUDED WAS A CHANGE TO NEUTRON STARS AND WHITE DWARVES, IN THAT THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO GIVE YOUR SHIP'S WARP DRIVE A ONE-OFF BOOST TO RANGE IF YOU PASSED THROUGH THEIR PLASMA JETS
IN THE PUBLIC TEST BETA, PLAYERS SOON FOUND OUT THAT THE RANGE INCREASE WAS HILARIOUSLY GLITCHED TO SHIT AND GAVE LIKE A 400% BOOST
PLAYERS LIKED THAT, IT WAS A FUN AND UNIQUE QUIRK AND THEY SOON STARTED PLANNING OUT SHIT LIKE NEUTRON SUPERHIGHWAYS TO MAKE NAVIGATING THE GALAXY EASIER
BUT FDEV SAID IT WAS UNINTENDED AND NERFED IT TO ITS ACTUAL INTENDED VALUE OF A MEASLY 25% INCREASE
HERE ARE WHAT SOME PLAYERS THOUGHT ABOUT THAT
SOUNDS A BIT LIKE THE BITCHING THAT GOES ON OVER HERE IN SHITREACHHPG, ACTUALLY
SO, PGI, FRONTIER SAID FUCK YOU AND KEPT THE VALUES AT THEIR INTENDED 25% INCREASE, RIGHT? THAT'S WHAT YOU WOULD'VE DONE ACTUALLY NO YOU NEVER WOULD'VE EVEN INCLUDED SUCH A FEATURE IN THE FIRST PLACE BECAUSE YOU'RE INCAPABLE OF PLANNING MORE THAN SIX NANOSECONDS INTO THE FUTURE
OH EM GEE LOOK PGI, DEVELOPERS INTERACTING WITH THEIR PLAYERBASE IN WAYS OTHER THAN HUNGRILY CIRCLING THE WHALES FOR POCKET CHANGE LIKE A SCHOOL OF PIRANHAS
GET IT
BECAUSE YOUR NAME IS PIRANHA GAMES INTERACTIVE
AND YOU THINK THAT WAS A ONE-TIME THING?
FRONTIER ASKING FOR BALANCE FEEDBACK
FRONTIER ASKING FOR QUALITY OF LIFE IMPROVEMENTS
AND THIS SHIT ISN'T EVEN THE FOCUS OF THE NEXT PATCH - THAT'S SHIP-LAUNCHED FIGHTERS AND NPC CREWMATES FOR YOUR SHIP
GRANTED IT ISN'T ALL PEACHES AND ROSES - POWERPLAY (ELITE'S VERSION OF FACTION WARFARE, BASICALLY) IS STILL IN THE SHITTER, THE ENGINEER GRIND IS STILL ABSOLUTELY MISERABLE, PVP COULD USE SOME WORK AND MORE TLC (WHY IS ONLY THE FER DE LANCE VIABLE WTF), ETC. ETC.
BUT I MEAN
AT LEAST IT ISN'T AS BAD AS MECHWARRIOR: ONLINE
YOU SEE RUSS AND FRIENDS, THE ISSUE YOU HAVE IS THAT A) YOU HAVE NO MOTHERFUCKING (∩꘠ᴥ꘠)⊃━☆ﾟ.* VISION AND B) EVEN IF YOU DID HAVE MOTHERFUCKING (∩◍益◎)⊃━☆ﾟ.* VISION, YOU'D HAVE NO CLUE ON HOW TO ACTUALLY GO ABOUT MAKING IT A REALITY
GOOGLE TELLS ME MWO FULLY RELEASED ON SEPTEMBER 17, 2013, EXCLUDING BETAS OR WHATEVER
WHAT HAVE YOU ACCOMPLISHED BETWEEN THEN AND NOW? MADE YOUR ARENA SHOOTER MORE ARENA SHOOTER-Y? WHAT DO YOU EVEN WANT THIS HORRID PILE OF BABY VOMIT TO BECOME? ALL I SEE WHEN I LOOK AT THIS GAME IS A SHITTY LITTLE ONE-OFF THING WITH NO REAL CONNECTION TO THE UNIVERSE IT'S BASED OFF OF, THE ONLY PURPOSE TO ITS EXISTENCE BEING TO MILK THE WALLETS OF THE AFOREMENTIONED UNHAPPILY MARRIED 40-SOMETHINGS WHO WANT TO LOOK AT THEIR CHILDHOOD IN MORE THAN THREE AND A HALF POLYGONS
IT REMINDS ME OF A FUCKING WARHAMMER 40k MOBILE GAME
THIS IS BATTLETECH
THIS FRANCHISE HAS HISTORY BEHIND IT, WHY AREN'T YOU HONORED TO HAVE SUCH AN IP IN YOUR GRASP? WHY AREN'T YOU TRYING TO GET MORE FANS INTO SUCH A NICHE FRANCHISE? WHY ARE THERE NO LINKS IN THE CLIENT LEADING TO THE LORE PAGES OF THESE MECHS? WHY IS MY SCREEN COVERED IN MECHPACK ADVERTISEMENTS AND "INFORMATION" ABOUT SOME OBSCURE EVENT I DON'T CARE ABOUT?
CAN YOU BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND MY THOUGHT PROCESS NOW, PGI? WHAT "UPDATE" ARE YOU GIVING DID YOU GIVE IN OCTOBER? THE HUNTSMAN? OKAY THAT'S COOL, I'LL PLAY I PLAYED WITH IT (I WAS RIGHT!) FOR A DAY OR THREE AND THEN MAYBE LOG IN ONCE A MONTH BECAUSE I'VE STOPPED BUYING MECHPACKS (PROTIP: I WANT MY MONEY GOING TO DEVELOPERS THAT ACTUALLY SOMEWHAT CARE ABOUT MY ENJOYMENT LEVEL)
THEN I'LL GO BACK TO ELITE OR SOME OF THE OTHER GAMES I'M FOLLOWING
YOU SEE, I VALUE MY TIME WASTING. IF I WASTE TIME PLAYING SHITTY VIDEO GAMES, I WANT IT TO BE PRODUCTIVE
YES YOU HEARD ME YOU SMARTFOOD-POPCORN-BAG-HUFFING SOCKMONKEYS
PRODUCTIVE TIME WASTING
FRONTIER BUILT THEIR GAME WITH AN ACTUAL PLAN IN MIND. THEY BUILT THE ENGINE AND PUT THE SYSTEMS IN PLACE THAT WOULD ALLOW THEM TO FIT IN THE IMPROVEMENTS AND NEW FEATURES THEY KNEW WOULD EVENTUALLY BE IMPLEMENTED FURTHER DOWN THE LINE. SO WHEN FRONTIER SAYS THAT SHIP-LAUNCHED FIGHTERS WILL BE COMING, WHEN THEY SAY THAT IN A FUTURE UPDATE WE'LL GET TO LAND ON PLANETS WITH ATMOSPHERES, OR BE ABLE TO WALK AROUND OUR SHIPS AND STATIONS, GUESS WHAT?
I ACTUALLY FUCKING BELIEVE THEM
THAT'S A CORE TENANT OF BASIC HIGHER THOUGHT AND REASONING
IT'S CALLED "PLANNING AHEAD"
YOU KNOW, ONE OF THE MAIN REASONS OUR MISERABLE CONGLOMERATE OF HAIRLESS APES HAS SURVIVED THIS LONG
HOW SAD IS THAT, PGI? YOU PROBABLY COULDN'T EVEN SURVIVE IN 20,000BCE YOU FUCKING PLEBS
DO YOU EVEN HUNT MAMMOTH BRO
