Hey man I’m not judging, like you said you’re totally entitled to live however you please. I’m just gonna throw it out there that you may feel compelled to drink habitually because of something you’ve buried deep down and are unwilling to face, and it’s possible that the reason sobriety wasn’t fulfilling to you is because you still hadn’t faced that thing.
That thing is a night completely fucked up childhood. I wasn't molested or anything. I will say that I think neither of my parents were fit for parenting. I tried therapy for over 10 years to no avail. I was open, honest, and did everything the professional told me to. Right down to taking antidepressants which either didn't do anything or made things worse. At one point I gained over 30 pounds because I lost all will to do everything and they didn't take away the sad so much as they just prevented me from liking things I used to like. Since going off of them I'm back down to a relatively good BMI. I enjoy all the things I used to like longboarding in summers and am able to control my eating when summer is coming up to be slim and good for it.
Not trying to lecture, just offering some insight from a former alcoholic. Do with this thought what you will.
Fair enough man. I went to all of the meetings and stuff. I even talked to therapists about it. I'm really not trying to brag, but from all the times I stopped I think I've proven to myself and I even proved to others around me that whatever physical addictions might bring, my willpower seems to be stronger. I've stopped everything. Full cleanse. Over 5 times for the pre-specified periods that everyone assigned me. Anywhere from 1 month to a full 6 months. I passed with flying colours. Urine tests and all for 2 of them. But it seems that I just fundamentally like substances. I don't know what else to say. Like... I wish I wasn't like this to some degree. But at the same time nothing has ever brought me this level of enjoyment. I have never felt proud of anything other people feel proud of. I never cared about my near perfect GPA in school. I have never cared about "success" in the conventional sense. I honestly don't know what else to turn towards.