I do really want it, it's like I love G-d so much for all the things he's shown me but I can't even do something small like talk to a rabbi about what's going on because I think I'll be embarrassed? All these dumb thoughts come into my mind about how they'll judge me about my debt or my old faith or my errors, it's easy to type out anonymously but thinking about talking to a rabbi, someone who has a close relationship with the creator, I don't know how I'm gonna make myself do it. It's like there's a block I just can't step over. But I know I have to get over it, it feels pitiful something so simple. Plus I have so many questions I have to ask, I feel like I'm going crazy. Thanks for the encouragement, you are obviously a very kind person.