Regular Check-In Post

I'm going to let everything out of my system:

1) I hate being broke. I can't even live a good life being broke all the time. I worry that I can never live a good life unless I can get a good cash flow. I worry about my mom, she works too hard yet lives a poor life because of the constraints of a lack of money. I have no work ethic. I constantly worry what I'm going to do in my life.

2) I have a genuine hatred towards my grandmother. She's incredibly toxic. She will try to control every aspect of my life and gets very angry at me if I don't give her constant attention, praise and submit to her desires. She doesn't try to make amends to make her life better and would love to leach off others for her emotional needs. She doesn't really care for my wellbeing or anyone really, its always about what she needs from other people. Simply being in the same room with her makes me hate her guts. When I'm out of the house, she will call me several times demanding to know where I am and if I don't pick up, I will come home and she will start crying as if the world is ending. I fucking hate her. What a piece of shit of a human. The absolute worse thing about this is that even if I ever move out of the house, she will call me a million times and never respect my boundaries. I know she's miserable but she does absolutely nothing to help her life out.

2) I wish my mom was more aware of her own problems. She's so invested into her work and her religion that she suppresses all of her feelings and doesn't know what she wants to do in her life. She's obviously lonely but will try to use her kids as a fix instead of trying to foster relationships with others. And her work as a freelancer is incredibly strenuous, it makes me worry how she can life a lifestyle like that.

3) My father has been emotionally abusive all my life. I'm constantly walking on eggshell at home. A simple innocuous statement can lead to him yelling at me and worse physically harming me. He never cares about my emotional needs: as long as I am under his control, he's a happy man. He also will constantly belittle me and controls what I do and where I go. He also treats my grandmother poorly which can explain her incredibly toxic behavior. The problem if that I am financially dependent on him and I have way too bad mental health which it makes getting a job difficult. I will try to get a full-time job and move out, but still I will be financially dependent on him for some things so I won't be able to cut him off immediately after I move out. I hate his fucking guts. He's a piece of shit who beat my mother and never displayed remorse or empathy. He will never apologize for all the emotional shit he has put me through the years. I know he's a narcissist. He's a person who lives in an alternative reality than others, a reality that he puts himself on a mighty pedestal without consideration of others. I hope one day I can never talk to him again and not feel any guilt.

4) I have so much anxiety all the time. It makes doing simple tasks like cooking food or talking to a cashier impossible. It has destroyed my ability to socialize and my social skills are just horrid.

5) I'm very thankful I have a great friend that I hang-out with everyday. He has helped me enjoy my life more and helped me get away from the control of my father and grandmother. I can never underestimate how important other people are when you go through emotional duress. Socializing is an fundamental psychological need that I do not think humans can properly function without. It is the foundation for good mental health.

/r/depression Thread