No time ever feels like the right time to talk to you. You always seem even offended by the times I go to talk to you – morning or night, days off or days where you have work or school – it’s just never the right time.

I feel at a complete loss. I know I made a mistake when I slapped you. It was in response to you telling me you don’t respect me anymore, and that’s why you haven’t wanted to have sex with me for months. That struck a deep chord in me and was incredibly painful. I started crying and you started laughing at me. My response was disgusting and inappropriate, but you were also being very cruel.

I don’t mean to be selfish. I feel like everything I do is selfish to you, but I really have tried very hard to give you what you say you need. When you need more space, I’ve tried to give you more space. I feel like you say you want me to be supportive, but then you push me away, and then you accuse me of being unsupportive. I feel like you treat me cruelly, and then if I get hurt about it, you call me selfish in the wake of a difficult time for you.

I know I’m not perfect, and I know I’m difficult. I have taken to heart much of what you’ve told me you’ve felt about me, and I agree with very much of it. I know I have a lot to work on. With us, though, I don’t know what I could have done differently. I sought couple’s counseling. We moved into this apartment because you wanted to be in a two-bedroom apartment. I found it, I set it up to come take a look at it, I worked with Jan and figured out all the details to move in by the deadline we had to move out. I found a co-signer. All of this during my finals.

But I want what’s best for you. I honestly do. Sometimes I can be needy. I know that. I’m sorry that that comes off as selfishness. Maybe it is selfish. Maybe it’s hard for me to distinguish where that line is, and I’m sorry for that. Like we’ve talked about before, I’ve never really had much of a guideline to set boundaries for myself – you say you can relate to this too – so sometimes it’s hard for me to decide what is appropriate and what isn’t.

Just know that my intention has always been to be supportive of you, I just didn’t know how to be. You act like it’s so obvious, but the things you say are so contradictory. Like I should just be there for you, but you don’t want me to be there for you. You want me to leave you alone. Then you treat me really harshly, and criticize me heavily, but if I get hurt about how you treat me then I am being selfish. I know this is a hard time for you, and I want to be there for you, but I can’t be your punching bag. I told you before that I knew you were in a dark place, and I’ve been in dark places, and I’ve treated people shittily when I was in dark places too, but I would just want to know that someone was here for me. I am here for you. At the time you told me that was pathetic. You told me I should leave. You told me you’re not sure if you even want me here.

In the morning, you said that was the most supportive thing I could have said.

I felt like I accidentally did the right thing, finally. I haven’t felt that way since then.

I don’t know what is okay for me to tell you anymore – or what is appropriate for me to feel. I understand that you don’t have the capacity right now to deal with any of my emotions. That’s a really difficult thing to adjust to, but it’s not because I don’t understand – and it doesn’t mean that I’m egotistical or have no empathy for you. There may be moments where I am wrapped up in emotions, like when I was talking about Jessie, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care about you – I was just focused on that in that moment.

You hold such silent resentment. I wish you would just communicate with me about you feel. I wish you would have just told me, “right now – this would feel good”. But when I asked you to do that before, you told me very sincerely, you don’t know what would make you feel better. I don’t blame you for that at all. But you blame me for not knowing what would make you feel better. You blame me for not giving you what you need, but you don’t notice how hard I have tried to do that over the past month. All you notice are my shortcomings. You said you stopped caring about me and have stopped loving me. You said you have gradually lost all respect for me. That’s been the hardest thing to stomach.

I can’t fault you for how you feel. But it hurts when I really have been trying to give you what you need, and give me what I need too, and this is what you tell me. It makes me wonder what I should have done differently. I know I shouldn’t have hit you. I’m sorry about that.

I wish you noticed when I held back from going in to just hold you, or talk to you, because I thought you needed space. I wish you could hear my thoughts and my prayers for you. I wish you knew how much I did think about you, and think about what you needed. I wish you could feel my dilemma, of how much is okay to swallow (you telling me you don’t respect me) and how much is me being a doormat. I’ve been a doormat my whole life. I didn’t want to let myself be yours. I love you so much. I have always loved you so much. I just don’t know what you wanted me to do. You always focus on everything I did wrong, but it’s like you’ve forgotten everything I’ve done right. You forgot that I bought you a 90 minute float because you had mentioned how sensory deprivation chambers might be exactly what you need. You forgot how I set up couples counseling and paid for it, even though we decided we didn’t like that guy. You forgot how lenient I was when you first quit drinking then went back to it, back and forth. You forgot how much work I put into finding this apartment. You forgot how I tried to give you space, and in the process tried to learn to enjoy my time being alone – sleeping alone – spending hours alone, when that was not something I was used to. I know it’s healthy for both of us, but it was a big transition. You forgot how I quit smoking with you to support you. You forgot how I tried to get you what you needed to make you feel comfortable and safe. You forgot every moment I told you I was proud of you – for your grades, for your sobriety, for your attitude about work, for the way you have been supportive of your siblings. You forgot that I told you I was always here for you whenever you wanted to talk. You forgot how I told you to let me know anything you needed, and that I would be here to give it to you.

You made me guess about what you needed, then faulted me for being wrong. You put so much effort into focusing on everything I’ve done wrong for you.

I’m so sorry I never made you feel supported. I’m sorry I’ve come across as selfish and egotistical. I’m sorry I’ve been overly emotional and reactive. I’m sorry if I’ve expected too much from you.

I just don’t know what I could have done to fix it.

I promise you I tried.