I doubt this will be put into words with much eloquence, as I still haven't even fully worked through it in my own head yet, nor will it be seen much, given that it's so late in this thread, but here goes.

So I had this close friend that I grew up with in church. He came into the church later than I did, and I befriended him when he started attending. He and I became close on account of our mutual enjoyment of music, games, and tennis. I would definitely have said he was one of my best friends, and I imagine he thought the same. We were tight all through HS. We both went our separate ways for college. He went pretty much the opposite corner of the state. Close as we were and as perceptive as I am of people and how they really feel, I never knew he struggled with depression.. He had told maybe two people that I've found out about so far. Unfortunately, we kinda drifted apart. I really blame myself for this, because I didn't fight hard enough to stay friends with him, like I should have. But between the drift, the distance, and the fact that he started cutting people out of his life, we lost touch.

Fast forward about a year or so. I got a call from my father while I was out to dinner with friends, that we had gotten the news that he had killed himself. I was honestly stunned. Like I said, he hadn't told me and we had drifted. I was almost numb from it. It actually took me a lot longer to feel it than I thought, and I honestly felt awful that it took me so long to feel so bad. I miss him. I really do. He and I could do anything together. In many ways, we were similar, and it is so so hard to lose someone so dear to you and so like you. I don't blame him in the least. I've grown up around depression. I know how it can hurt. I don't blame him in the least. I don't think he was selfish at all. On the flip side, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss him and I don't get wracked with guilt and pain from it. See, I've been lucky to have amazing friends, and somehow, God or otherwise, gave me the chance to help a number of them off the ledge. It surely wasn't just me, but they've told me I played a role. I still can't believe I didn't fight for a dear friendship and I wasn't able to be there for him when he needed it. The good to come out of it is that I am far more aware of that now, and I fight much harder for my old friendships. I love the people around me, and I'm here to be there for them, and I hope I'll continue making a difference in the lives of the people I love. It's almost two years now. And I still think of it practically every day. Gah. Ryan, I miss you buddy. I'm so sorry.