A few nights ago.

A good friend of mine (who is the girlfriend of my best friend, the guy who has to deal with all my other emotional breakdowns) was still in the IRC chat we all originally met in and hang out in, but she was AFK because it was super late at night.
So I kind of ranted, knowing I wouldn't get a response, about...a bunch of stuff. And one of the things I brought up, near the end, was that I was planning to kill myself.
Next month.

But that I was trying to postpone it literally any way I could, and was grasping at straws to find a reason not to (I was going to join the military,, as a medic -- I trained to be an EMT so I might have a lot of things down pat and I legitimately want to save people I think that's the only thing I really want in life. I still might, because at least then I'd have a purpose. I can't afford to get my EMT License and after this long since the certification, I doubt I could pass the exam, so that's the best option in my mind.)
And at that point, I was crying, legitimately, in real life.

I think maybe pidgin has automatically joined the channel for me, but I haven't seen either of them on Steam since then and I'm afraid to try and talk in the IRC channel, let alone open the window to see if anyone has been talkative (most of the people who hang out in there usually aren't these days -- we all have lives now) because I'm incredibly embarrassed and actually legitimately afraid she might have seen the ranting. I was very, very serious about planning to kill myself -- I even had a date planned -- but I want to try to fix things first. Again, even if every other time I've told myself I was going to fix things and it never worked out.
But these are my closest friends, and I hate the fact that I even ever let on to one of them that I have these kind of thoughts and problems. Dropping that on another friend out of nowhere feels really wrong. I'm the oldest person in the group and I feel like I should be keeping my shit together but I fucking can't and the next oldest, the guy who actually admitted to kind of respecting me and thinking I did have my shit together, is the one that I was originally talking to when I couldn't keep things going and just needed to vent.

Before it was like, if I never signed in again and auth'd to the channel and stuff...we'd known each other for years but at least maybe they could assume I'd just moved on like everyone else on the internet. Now I can't even take solace in the fact that my friends would never even know if I'd done it, because probably they'd know enough to suspect. So even that's weighing on me now because I know it's going to happen.
But the worst part is that these people are really fucking smart and awesome and great and I love them, and I hate that they might feel burdened by even knowing me, like they might feel like they HAVE to be available to talk to me because I'm a needy piece of shit who can't keep things together. Or maybe the worst part is that I couldn't keep up the charade of being the guy who had his shit together and was doing awesome shit, because they're all basically fucking geniuses and could legitimately turn the world upside down -on their own- if they put their minds to it and I really wanted to be that like older brother figure who you can aspire to compete with for them so they could drive themselves to greater heights.
I should have known I couldn't do that for them because I couldn't even do it for my own, actual little brother and im just some worthless piece of shit. And I can't fucking deal with it.

So I cried last sunday and i'm crying again right now and fuck this im done with reddit for the night.