Hi!

Thanks for the offer. I'll take you up on it since well, there's no point rationalizing with my own mind since that's where the problem is coming from. Though as a heads up, I don't seem to fit the typical "depressed" profile. I'm much more strange in my thought processes.

You're right about the fact that I haven't gone off and done anything as of yet - I still think there's something I'm overlooking. Though as time, and experiences pass by, it continues to bring me the same "nope, still nothing" results.

The world sucks and people are generally quite selfish. I've learnt some painful (one of such examples was just a few days ago) lessons. I always used to be cheery, happy go lucky. I'd love giving everyone a nice "everything's going to be alright" motivational speech. Over the past few months, I've seen that while some people can be capable of enjoying the moment, I can see right through it.

I've been told over and over that I'm "overly" intelligent and that I shouldn't "worry" about things. I'm fairly charismatic and connect incredibly well with others in person. That's also where the problem comes from. I guess I have a certain set of expectations of myself, expectations that should give me some type of happiness or even momentary joy. Problem is that they don't and end up just giving me more trouble.

Okay, background. I'm 27. Childhood totally sucked; parents were constantly fighting and arguing until my early 20s. I was extremely stressed as a kid. Now that I'm an adult, any sign of stress or conflict causes me to just shut down. Never been in a real relationship. Friends generally aren't too great. Don't have any hobbies. Did great in high school and then butchered university multiple semesters in a row. Gave up on school. Worked a crap job (I'm actually calling my boss today to quit since it's just pure misery).

So yeah. I've tried seeing a psychologist, therapist, family doctor, talking it out with friends, family, the boss. Tried picking up hobbies, tried online dating, changing eating habits. New experiences, same suffering person at the end.

So that's why I'm rationalizing that given our relative non-uniqueness in reality, why not just throw in the towel and let someone who can actually enjoy all these things or at least be happier (multiple people in fact) get a chance at it instead. I know that I'll be able to get by if I don't follow through, but in complete mediocrity with a broken mind and spirit. Crap job, same life problems, get old and then one day just realized that nothing really changed.

Sorry if it didn't make sense. I'm just going through the thoughts as they flow (and also on my phone). I don't expect you to want to help, but thanks for taking the time to write and reach out.