Throw away because too many real life friends know my username and this is about suicide- so a little different.. But I think it fits.

I was 20, and my life was a shit hole. My mom had died less than a year before, my husband cheated on me, I didn't have a job, was barely able to afford food let alone rent. I was pushed to my limit and couldn't take it anymore, and decided to take the easy way out.

When it comes to this decision, I found myself making strange choices and thinking of all the options. Did I want it to be quick? Did I want to make a mess? Should I write a note? What should be in it? Looking back, knowing that these were things I thought about is so surreal.

I decided no mess, no note; I came in with nothing so I'd leave with nothing. My husband left for school and I made my way to the bedroom. I was so meticulous about setting up and making it inconspicuous- I didn't want anyone to know or stop me.

I used a belt and the mounted hanger bar thing, I had already checked the height and since I'm short it worked out fine for what I wanted.

At first, there was panic. I couldn't breath, my body was reacting and sending the signals for fear. I don't know if it was me, or perhaps just what the body does, but I started to feel a strange peace. My legs began to feel heavy and almost like that feeling when you sit on it too long and they "fall asleep", then my arms. There was an ease as I remembered this is what I wanted. The last I remember was the belt moving, my body must have twitched and lodged the belt into a different position, then I felt dizzy and the world just got black.

I'm not sure how long I was there, probably not not very, but I woke up on my floor. There were only a few moments of consciousness before I passed out again, but I remember the paramedics shirt, or at least I think that's what it was.

I later found out that a friend of mine had decided to finally return my cake saver- after two years- on that day. She showed up and knocked, but when she called and heard my phone but no answer she knew something was wrong. I always answer my phone. She came in through the patio and found me.

While I was going, though, again there was only a moment of panic, the calm. Everything was extremely warm, then cold, then black. I don't reme being pulled down, or much of the hospital until I came too (the nurse watching me was way too serious- but I get it). I wish there was more to describe, but that's all I had. Panic, peace, then nothing.

As for your eventual questions: I left the husband, and stayed with the friend that found me. I got help and moved on. It's been five years, I'm with someone who treats me so well and we're expecting. Though I miss my mom from time to time, I remember the calm I felt and like to think she felt the same calm and went peacefully. I do miss that overwhelming feeling I had once in a blue moon, but not enough to chase it- I want to see my little monster grow up.