Because they, and the way they raised me, fucked me up. And I resent them greatly for it.

I never learned to deal with my autism, self esteem issues, depression, etc, in a healthy way because they refused to get me help. Instead I learned to be ashamed of my autism and depression, internalized that shame, and then hated myself so much that I was willing to hurt myself because I thought I deserved it.

My tolerance for stress and being asked to make a decision right now is shot. I can do it, sure, but then after I am an emotional mess because I've internalized it all and the pressure built up. This is a thing I learned from childhood because I was put under stress, all the time, and even a seconds hesitation could get me in huge trouble.

My ability to build healthy relationships is impaired. I tend to idolize people, not reach out to them as often as I should, isolate myself for long periods of time, stuff any issues I may have in a little box in the corner of my mind... I've not really had healthy relationships, as a kid, and so as an adult I've had to learn. And I've had some healthy friendships and such but, in the end, having relationships with healthy people can't fix the fact that I am fundamentally broken.

On and on the list goes. Point is, they fucking broke me. I hate myself despite knowing I shouldn't, I self-sabotage, I don't handle stress very well at all, I'm not equipped with the skills I need to have good conflict resolution, I was never taught to feel safe expressing issues or my emotions...

And honestly, I don't think I could ever fix myself with them in my life. Being around them made me resentful and afraid at the same time. Resentful because of the way they treated me, afraid because of how temperamental they are. For every happy moment I had with them, there were plenty more where they hurt me and made me feel like nothing. It leads to a cycle of fearful idolization, groveling, and walking on eggshells. And, at a certain point, I was no longer willing to deal with it.

And now that I don't talk to them and am picking up the broken pieces, I don't think I could ever forgive them enough to let them back in.