Surrender. I was almost improving until one of the very few people in this world who mattered very much to me died so suddenly.

Suddenly I was repeating the past years of depression, tons of alcohol a day. I realized that even if I got healthy and found a way to connect with new people again, it wasn't going to matter because they or I could just randomly die one day. Suicide became less of a awful and shameful thought to me. As it could just be the random cause of death as well. Life is ultimately meaningless, but something strange happened.

I stopped caring. And not the fake "stopped caring" that's actually a self destructive cry for help. But u mean a genuine lack of care where I didn't cry about people, where I didn't feel lonely or isolated anymore, I didn't even feel sad anymore. It made ruthlessly cynical, I wouldn't help someone hanging off the edge of a cliff just becasue I can not bring myself to care. I understood the assholes of the world. They operate like that for survival. Because they don't feel care.

I was able to stop drinking, and get back to exercise and just having other things to do. By myself. I have no friends, I ghosted the ones I had left, I used to feel hurt and upset and was going crazy with depressed thoughts about how my friends don't care about me and don't love me. Only for me no longer caring about them in the end.

I still my dead relative everyday. In many ways that's what pulled me out of the illness because he's all I care about. He's the only one I wasnt to see. The only one who could come and make me feel better. But he's dead. And that won't be happening. So I either die now having abandoned hope. Or I die eventually. We all die. Abandon hope. I think a big part of why I feel better is just because my expectation is an existence of pain and misery forever so when a day includes a nice meal and a hike in nature, it is better than I'd expected.

So theres my advice if you're going through mental turmoil, stop caring it doesn't matter you're gonna die anyway. So go eat what you want and feel no guilt if you hurt somebody. Seek pleasure. Hedonism