So I actually don't open up about this often and a lot of this is still new to me so bare with me a bit with the overdrawn but necessary introduction.... I kinda have never shared most of this with anyone so I'd like to tonight because.... Reasons.
So my newest shrink (researcher at a famous American psychological school in the North East) doesn't know exactly what to make of me. There is no word for it. Only loose outdated categories and new poorly understood ones.... She labels it as schizotypal aspergers with gender dysphoria. Officially I forget the label but its a big mix. Unofficially, it comes with the undestanding that it is controversial and not recognized by the ICD or DSM. "not yet" she says. She treats schizophrenia like a continuum similar to autism and believes it to be neurological. Also, it's EXTREMELY difficult to quantify any of this (and the reason I have access to a cutting edge research professor) is I'm also transgender (male to female age 25).
For me, I never had voices in my head - still don't. Well, I have a man in my head... He'll play both sides of a conversation sometimes. But he isn't me. I have full control over all this, but I'm not sure that'll always be the case. But there is something strange that happens when I get tired or go through periods of great stress. I fictionalize and I retreat into distorted thinking. Often, this comes with acute paranoid delusional states of mind. This guy, the false ego me that chats me up, he'll have me believing pulling my teeth out by pliers is in my best interest. Thankfully, I don't listen. It's difficult to explain this because it hails from a different "voice" hearing than most.
To point, I have not actually experienced a "psychotic break" in the traditional sense, but operate on a day in day out basis of constant cluster fuck age. I have not worked in a year. It sucks. I'm trying but it sucks I want to finish school but it just isn't for me. Arg..
As a child, my symptoms were misinterpreted as causes - e.g ADHD pathology and depression vs personality / neurological disorders - quite probably on the schizophrenic spectrum.
My uncle father's side is autistic, so are both his male children. My father is ADHD. My mothers sister is schizophrenic as was her mother. Her brother, although we can't say for certain, likely over dosed on purpose because of paranoid delusions and depression. He died when he was 25. Same age I just somehow made it to... And fuck I want to kill myself so badly it's not even funny anymore. One reason I'm here is in the hope someone relates and thinks twice. Please OP and others don't give up.
The early signs were visible throughout high-school - things like social Isolation etc. But internally it was more like a growing discomfort and distaste for reality. I never experienced any trauma, not really, but my shrink says I behave as though I have. She doesn't believe I am repressing. She believes this could be due to acute psychotic flair ups - and when I was 14 and cutting so deep I needed stitches, maybe that was true. I really don't know.
I remember I would let my mind wander further than it should. It would go from day dreams very quickly to paranoid thoughts. People are watching. Etc.
I grew up lying to myself about just about everything, still do today, and especially lying to everyone else. I would tell them I could hack their computers and other weird deranged things I couldn't do. I think I did this to meet a male role I never wanted, but adding in aspects of aspergers and psychotic tendencies it began to feel real... I am a fiction author by nature, but I really really began to believe the NSA was after me. Weird shit.
I think about the time I realized I was so fucking God damn far down the rabit hole I was reading legit conspiracy theory bullshit, I started getting help.
I only recently stumbled on the gender confusion, which remains largely misunderstood and poorly understood in the medical community, especially comorbid with the rest of my fucked up brain. So it's very very difficult to say whether or not early thoughts of suicide were the result of the psychotic stuff or the trans memes. Likely both.
soft delusional thinking (e.g people hate me because x)
slight whispering
memory distortions
speech organizational problems:
I find great difficultly to organize my thoughts. I grew up on Concerta for ADHD at a very high dose but likely I needed abilify. Still today, I use strange jargon and speak rapidly and with tones that are not always accurate to what I'm getting at. Charlse Manson has crazier eyes than me, but I speak similar sometimes to a much milder extent.
overly creative / OCD impulsive
"black hole thinking"
E.g: everything is a meme. My cats are memes. Walls are memes. The sky is a meme. Things are memes and once they're memes in my mind they're memes. This becomes extremely problematic and often reinforces broken and illogical thinking because what the fuck logic is "I don't need food. That's meme" (this thought led me into an eating disorder last year that I'm still recovering from)
Sometimes, when I'm texting, I'll see words arranging themselves before auto correct fixes it. It'll be gibberish but my mind will put meaning to it.
I have only experienced this for a brief stint when I was on a lot of weed, locking myself in a bathroom and starving myself the year before I figured out I was trans. But it was real enough to seek medical assistance. They thought I was trying to get drugs, I really was just terrified and confused why my back was killing me. And wrists. My aunt experiences this too blames it on lime disease and shit. I fear it will return.
When I was a child, I really really believed in magical things. This persisted for far longer than most males. Granted, I am "trans" female. Today, it persists as unreasonable expectations from people because I believe I can predict their future. So why aren't they meeting my standards??? I get fucking crazy over this.
I'm the kid girls call thee cops on. Turn in for bomb threats. Stray away from. It's been so much better since leaving school, but it was me at some point. I guess judgment being rough is the red flag here.
That's all I got off dome besides racing thoughts. My speech is about x5 slower (and I talk fast) than my thoughts. *Sometimes my thoughts overlap *
Tldr; I'm sorry I'm disorganized I'll answer anh questions I can. At least I'm not my aunt believing I'm sane and running from government stalkers and shit like the x files. I just compose strange music with lyrics like
. Teeth falling out in my dreams when I'm sleeping awake at all hours of interests are straying away from my note books my writing repugnant this body disrupting this souls been corrupted you fucking Republican scum of the earth. . . .