For me it was my friends that got me out of it. This past New Years I got a bit too drunk and spilled it to my friend that I've been planning to kill myself for a bit. He took my phone, called my folks, had them pick me up, and they brought me to therapy. It's been a tough time for me but I've been trying like crazy to be better and there are good days and bad days.

Before I spilled the beans to my friend it was just simply that I didn't feel up to it. I would stand at balconies, tie the nooses, and stare at train tracks but I wouldn't do it. I guess I was scared to really go through it as much as I desperately wanted to die. I would never do it myself but holy shit would I have welcomed death with open arms.

It's funny how it all started. I guess I was always pretty suicidal but it got pretty bad after I dumped my girlfriend. I was suicidal before I met her but then I thought I was happy when I fell in love. But then I was still a pretty fucked up individual lying to both her and myself. I ended up hurting her something I refuse to forgive myself for. That's when the suicidal thoughts kicked it in to high gear! And my buddy had to call my folks.

I have been doing better recently but once in while the thoughts come back. I am still in therapy and working harder than before but sometimes I need the release and don't want to reflect on my own thoughts anymore.

I miss my girlfriend. I was the one that was miserable with her and the one that hurt her but now it's been almost a year and I miss her. She was the rare attractive and fun one that I will never be able to have again. The rare package that will never arrive at my door again.

But even if she did I know what relationships are now and they are dog shit. Monogamy is two people that love each other and then get sick of each other the whole thing is fucked.

I had a lot to say tonight but the main thing is that the one thing that kept me from death was my friends. Talk to people you love about it. It's the best thing to keep you from making a permanent mistake.

Life feels pretty bleak but at the very least I am not going to end it by my own hand.