I might be crazy to some of you, but that's alright.

I'm a person who thinks a lot about stuff, all the time. I can get really stuck at big life questions. I do believe there's something after this life, a place where we all go. I'm not necesarilly Christian, I got my own kind of belief if that makes sense.

Some years ago I realized I didn't wanna grow old or anyone else, I don't wanna change, I don't want the people I know and love to change, I just want it to be like how it is now. I'm not even that happy (great part due to social anxiety -> might be like you said, that firewall. Although it has gotten better compared to some years ago.)

So here it comes, I actually want(ed) the world to collapse as a result of some disaster like a comet. I see/saw it as the best option. If we all die now it is how I want it to be, we all go to that place after this life and we all stay the same, staying young, not changing anymore. Or it is not what I want, we die, but we die anyway. So it's either we die now and are gone forever or be young forever as well as the people I know or we (I) die in ~65 years and I'm gone forever...OR I'll be old for the rest of eternity (unless we all become young for some reason which is also not so great since my parents etc will be my age that way, but better than all being old still). This has depressed me from time to time. Last time was december and it lasted for about a month.
If you're wondering why I haven't commited suicide or attempted: I don't see a reason, because If I do that it'll only be me that goes up there anyway, without the people I love, etc...all alone. And also because I'm obviously not sure such a place exists, I guess I just...hope it.