Okay, this is really pathetic, but w/e here we go. I have never been someone for intimacy and connecting much with other people. Reason being I was molested when I was a child by an older 'friend' of mine and I have major trust issues and issues with intimacy after that. So I wasn’t intimate with a lot of people in my life and when I was I was mostly really drunk.
At one point, I met a girl online and we hit it off instantly, she was my type, judging from what I saw. We had the same interests, so I was like: Sure lets meet and see what happens, turned out she was my fucking neighbour. We wrote for some time, met up at my place and I couldn’t believe it, she was 1000% my type in every single way. I know that sounds extremely shallow, but I‘m not just talking physically, but from her interests, the kind of music she listened to was nearly exactly the same as mine, hell our playlists had a ton of the same songs(from some pretty unknown artists). Like i was stunned. I was on dates or whatever you wanna call it before, but never did I experience it and fall for someone like this. We hit it off extremely well(as I said most interests were in common, same kind of humour and everything), we got intimate and all and yeah, I couldn’t get it up, big F.
She was pretty chill about it, saying it’s okay and that happens, I went down on her and we made out some more, talked some more, all in all, still a good evening imo, even with the aforementioned issues lol
I wrote her I had a great time and all, thanks for being such a good sport about the issue the evening(Not my exact wording obviously) and if she wants we could do something again, as I had a great time. she said she would love to, I was ecstatic. We wrote some more, she cancelled for mental issues twice(she said she had some psychological problems when we met).
I then told her I fell for her when we met and wanted her to know, even if we didn’t meet in person. If she had said: nah I ain’t feelin it, it would have been one thing, but She said she wasn’t emotionally available at the time but would like to keep in contact as she really liked the vibe and everything between us. I was like: well shit, ok. (Big mistake. )We keptnin contact for some time, then we wanted to meet up again, she cancelled for emotional/mental reasons again, I asked her if she still wanted to meet at all or not and then got ghosted. Shitty experience all in all.
the more I write out from this the more pathetic it sounds, I know, but w/e. It was and still is a horrible experience for me and still fucks with my head with the what ifs and it all.
If anyones even read this; g‘day to you!