I feel like I wrote this 6 months ago. You even write in a similar cadence as I do, almost through someone copy pasted a previous post of mine.

First of all, take some credit for having the ability to be self-aware, and to assess pros and cons on a high level. Not everyone can do that, and it was something I had to learn to appreciate, as much as I felt it was killing me.

Second of all, I'm not going to swoop in and tell you I've gotten better or that the challenges I face have improved. I, much like you, struggle to find happiness and satisfaction in my life, which is only otherwise full of beautiful opportunities and amazing blessings. I think the root of my depression is/was the guilt for having every reason to be happy, but not.

Really all I can say is that you're not alone. If it means anything to you, just know that someone else is up at night thinking about this stuff. Another person is struggling to enjoy the party or dinner, and is trapped feeling a tremendous amount of shame and confusion instead. Someone else hesitates before experiencing something amazing because it just doesn't taste quite right.

All I've done is take things one day at a time, and tried to reassure myself that I can trust my own judgement and that I'm doing what's best for me. Some days are good, some days are pretty close to suicidal. The good comes with the bad, and as long as I can appreciate both sides of the spectrum, I can at least feel lucky I get to do both.

I want to wish you the best of luck with your journey. I sincerely hope that you have the ability to look back on this as an isolated even in your life, and feel that you benefited one way or another. You won't be able to do that if you throw in the towel, so don't rob yourself of that opportunity if you can.

Love, a stranger from Canada