I've been raped by two completely different guys at different times in my life, one of them spanning over years, during those years also physically and emotionally abused. My mother is a loveable person who is very dear to me but sometimes amidst those situations said very fucked up things to me. One time being when I broke down crying and told her I honestly wanted to kill myself and thought extensivelly about how to do it and told her I need her to help me (get help) to which she replied "I can't fix what's been so badly broken" and left to go on a date with her boyfriend.

Later I found myself in a relationship that was abusive on all fronts with a drug dealer (who himself was actually a good guy but had his own set of serious issues.) Who after the second rape would repeatedly say things like "it's because youre like that your father beat you" and "well you slept with -rapist" like I had chosen it. When I was 19 I almost succeeded in killing myself (thanks to good friends didnt) and have some pretty severe gashes left in my arm about the width of a finger nail and average length. Last year i saw on fb that my rapist actually was pulled to court on charges of abuse of minors on multiple accounts and they were looking for other victims. I wanted to call but I never did.

Now I simply smile through the day and when I get home and my roomate goes to bed I drink heavily till I pass out because I have trouble sleeping and when I sleep I sleep violently punching things, myself, knocking stuff off my bedstand. I have a lot of fucked up nightmares and sleep paralysis dreams. I'm only 22, drinking daily is probably going to do me in later in life, suicide most likely wont. I think about it a lot but it would hurt too many people, and I actually have a lot of fun in my life it's just the monsters always return. So i drink them down till the next day and hope I get to talk to funny customers at work.