Alright, I apologize in advance for formatting. I'm on mobile.

  So it begins when I make the transition from middle to high school, I had a couple friends, but we didn't have similar classes so we grew apart. It was ok for a while, I had a great relationship with my parents and a pc built to play video games on. Who needs friends, right? Well, it was until I met this girl in my German class (it's always about a girl isn't it? Call me shallow) we can call her Sam. Sam and I get along very well, we have similar interests and get into some very intense conversations over our dreams about the future, books, music, the whole lot. We spend roughly 3 months where every day we are up until 2 a.m talking with each other. I'll admit I'm a little venerable when it comes to this sort of thing, I have a disposition toward self-esteem issues, depression, and being more than a little bi-polar. So one day I build up the courage to ask her out, she originally says yes to our little date, but then the same day tells me never mind. I'm heartbroken, I instantly see a million flaws in myself that I never had before. Regardless I continue to talk with Sam (though more distantly and less often). We then become friends with another person in our German class (we can call him John) and he introduces me to a group of people who became my new friend group. Suddenly I have more friends than ever before (even if it's only around 6). And things go great until around the end of the year, when John approaches me and asks if I still like Sam. I tell him yes and he is furious, he blows up on me and tells me how I've betrayed him for being her friend and making her feel safe when it could've been him. John tells the friend group a bunch of lies about me and they all go quiet. It was 2 horrible months of summer that I couldn't contact anybody but Sam. She told me she knew nothing about it and assured me that they probably just lost my number or something. This is when I truly lose it. I begin to really hate myself and pick through all of my mistakes over freshman year. I believe that I ruined my friendships and that I'm worthless. I spent a lot of that summer sleeping on benadryl, waking up pretty much just to eat. About halfway through this my parents start to argue, neither of them are really all that stable, they are constantly yelling, kicking each other out of the house for the night, and whenever I show my face I just sort of become the target of anger. Naturally this doesn't help my situation and my good relationship with them goes away. However, I did bond very well with my older sister during this time, spending literally every waking moment (though only a few hours a day) with her. As school is beginning again she enrolls in an exchange program and is accepted, she leaves and I don't talk to her for a year while she's gone. I get back to school and the first time I see Sam is in German, I tried to scratch my wrist open to get out of class, it didn't work. I end up meeting this girl (who also happens to have a lot of problems) and end up dating her within 2 weeks of meeting her, we really only dated because we were fucked up and lonely. She was my first kiss and really my first relationship, it upset me a little that all of that was with someone who really only represented what I wanted with Sam. One morning, I was walking with my girlfriend and I saw Sam with a boy, she ended up dating someone over summer, I immediately ran to a restroom, threw up, and was late to first period. That marked the end of my relationship with that girl. Now that I'm alone again I continue to pick myself apart, though I still occasionally talk with Sam (via text), every time I do I end up crying. Halfway through this year John has admitted to making everybody hate me, but I realize that the entire summer Sam was spending time with all of my ex-friends, and went on a date with John (though they never got together). I'm crushed for maybe the 3rd time in this story. I cry every day, though nobody notices. I stopped worrying about hygiene, I wear the same outfit for around 2 weeks in a row for a year, I don't shower, and I only sleep. I disappoint myself time and time again as I try and chase some dream or ambition and fail. I tried to be a musician, I tried to learn about programming, I wanted to be a singer my whole life and gave up during this time. Another painful school year ends, John apologizes to me, and though I don't forgive him or my friends, I rejoin the 'group' because I'd been so lonely. Every day over the summer of sophomore year I cry over Sam, hate myself for letting myself involve with the group again, and hide from my parents, being out of the house for weeks at a time. Junior year. I return from summer and see Sam once again (still never having seen her out of school). It turns out we are both involved in the German exchange program. Great. Well, the time finally comes around for the German students to come to America (October last year) and I end up hanging out with a lot of the Americans in the program and actually make friends with a kid (we can call him Mo) who is unbelievably friendly, we get along great, and I can talk with him about my situation. I also meet his brother. Who I really like as well. During the time that our students were here I ended up seeing Sam out of school for the first time. It's like things were when they started, I love every second of it. I ended up staying at her house and having a great time just hanging out. She confides a lot of fears and secretes in me, and tells me how unbelievably caring I've been and how grateful she is. Saying I've changed her life. Everything is great for the first time ever. Close to the end of the exchange I confide this story in Mo's brother. By the end of the exchange I'm worried things will go back to normal. I tell this to Sam and she assures me everything is different now, and we will see each other a lot more. Well the exchange ends and it goes back to normal, except now she is spending a lot of time with Mo's brother, who I told it kills me inside when she spends so much time with so many people but is always 'busy all the time' when I ask if she's ever free. She ends up dating him. My life is over. I finally brake and really lose it in front of my parents, I tell them 3 years worth of hurt I've dealt with and it hurts them. But I'm finally on honest, good terms with them again. And now here I am. I'm depressed. I hate everything about myself. I see Sam and her boyfriend every day and want to die. I know she's lost her virginity to him and I can't stand it. I feel like I've done all of this, that I'm to blame. But Mo assures me I'm not. I don't know. Sorry about the long winded, boring story. If you get this far. Maybe this comment is more for me than anything.