Ten years ago this used to be me. I saw the love of my life walking down the hallway in high school, and I have not been able to get him out of my head since. I rarely spoke to him, but when I did, stupid shit fell out of my mouth. For the first few years, I had no idea what was going on. I just fixated on him for no known reason, I felt crazy, I felt sick, and when I thought about him, my chest constricted painfully.
I was cutting at the time, so I thought that maybe this unhealthy fixation on this boy was due to issues of the brain. Well, here I am now, married with a child, and I still love him. He is the only one for me, and if my hubby reads this, my life with him and child will be destroyed.
I mean... my husband knows I love someone else, he knows that this someone can't give a good goddamn about me, and he feels like shit that he goes to work every day to support his family, and I fucking love someone else. I cannot help it. I feel terrible for my feelings, but also, I feel happy that I can experience the fullness of love. At the same time, when I think about this now-man, I get all kinds of butterfly feelings, and my heart races, and the droning in my ears drowns out everything except his face.
This man has been kind enough to take time out of his day to explain that he doesn't have feelings for me, and he never has, and he admitted that he just doesn't know what to do with my feelings. Maybe I still love him because of this? 'Cause he's nice? At first, I told him that I just had feelings, but since I've been married, I know what real love is. And I really love someone who is not my husband. I even told him I loved him.
Since this came up again in our relationship (my husband found a letter I was writing to him), he asked me if I had ever given our relationship my all. And in our four years together, I have not. So since then I have really, really, really fucking tried to love him like I love the other man. My husband has noticed a positive change in me and our relationship, and for that I am so happy. However, recently, my mother in law told me that when I had used her iPad back in July, she noticed I had left my FB open, and there was an open message window to my best friend.
Since this was before I was busted with the letter, I had not come to the fact that I'm going to give this marriage my all. I had said to my bestie that I was not sure if I wanted to stay with my husband for ten more years, or even five more years. I was debating leaving him because of my feelings, I wanted to be alone and just work and do my thing. However, I am a mother and I do not want to leave my baby. I come from a different country and if I leave I fear I will be barred because I came here illegally. I do not want to lose my son, that would destroy me mentally. So I stay with my husband so I can be with my son.
Anyways, my mother in law was kind enough to let me know first that she saw my messages and came to me saying that if I leave the country with my kid, and then break up with her son, it becomes a legal issue and she wants to protect her twenty-seven year old. Since this has cropped up yet again, my husband has no faith in me, and I cannot blame him. He even admitted to me that if I left the country first to earn money legally to send here (for papers to get him to my country to work and live legally), that he wasn't sure he was going to send my boy to me. Our plan was that I would leave first, and in six months, my boy would come to me, and then in another six months, my husband would come as well, and we would be a happy family. As of now, I am no longer going home. I am happy that I'm not, I mean, I miss my hometown, I miss his face, but I am happy that I won't be running into him anytime soon. My marriage could not handle that.
Honestly... since we came up with the plan to send me home, I had a niggling in the back of my mind for months that if I crossed that border, I would lose my baby forever. If my husband reads this, our good life is destroyed. My life would be destroyed, and by my own hand. And I cannot blame him, it would serve me right to lose everything I had come here to build. That I left everything in the first place to build this family.
I do love my husband, I do. I love our sex life, I love our baby, I could do without the inlaws, and I like this country. I really do not want to lose it because of my feelings for someone else.