My ex once started taunting me, so much so that I started to cry. He turned it around saying "I was only joking!" and in that moment I saw red. I threw my keys at him but he ducked out of the way and they hit the cupboard door behind him and made a huge banging sound. We both just stood there, he was shocked I'd resorted to that and I was shocked that I threw something at him. I have spoken about this with my mom and she thought it was funny but I am deeply ashamed of it. I said to her, "what if he threw the keys at my head instead?" and she agreed that in that situation it wouldn't be funny, so I said "that's why I don't find it funny with the roles reversed". I recognize, now that I am out of that relationship, that it became mutually abusive. Three instances of physical (we never struck each other but all of these instances involved throwing things at each other) and other times when we were verbally and emotionally abusive to one another.

We would play fight quite a lot as a form of foreplay for years and nothing ever happened outside of these instances that would indicate any form of abuse - the only time we were rough with each other was in a consensual sexual situation or as a form of "play" I guess. I think eventually we just brought out the worst in each other and stopped being nice to each other. I am horrified by the person I became in the end. I find myself trying to excuse it in my head sometimes with phrases like "he goaded me a lot" and "I only did that in response to X behavior" but really I was in complete control of my actions and words. I'm taking a break from dating for an indefinite amount of time so that I can heal from the scars that relationship brought about and learn how to better control my anger. I mean I was really, really angry when my ex goaded me so much that I cried. I feel like something snapped and I just wanted to hurt him for what he was doing to me. I can't really explain it. There isn't really an explanation other than that I wanted to get back at him.