im only really here because i wasnt fully suspended. last moment before i lost consciousness i stood up. i didnt really want to stand, and i didnt decide to either, i just did it. alongside thoughts of friends and family (which arguably didnt really alleviate the despair, i regret the pain i have caused people because of my illness), by far the biggest drive to stand up was simply basal instinct, i never got new hope and i never got regret. there was also a kind of panic to get the rope from around my neck, which again, didnt feel like it came from me. the entire experience was increasingly pleasant untill that happened, my vision had faded and everything else was on its way. i didnt get much bruising but i wore a scarf the rest of the day anyway.

maybe i had've gotten more regret if there was more time between initiating it and losing it.

its pretty common. those who cut and bleed out apparently tend to spray blood all over the house in a panic once it clicks they're actually bleeding out.