Your parents don't seem great, but that is not what I am going to talk about.

Did you know that people who think they are avoiding conflict and are excessively accommodating to others often come off as rather hostile and harsh "out of the blue"? That is because out of all the conversation that has been going on inside such a persons's head, almost none of it has come out of their mouth. When I read your letter, I get the feeling that this is very well formulated and possibly justified, but that doesn't make it effective in achieving what you want. That's nothing strange. Communication is hard, and who would have tought you how to handle situations like this one? Your mom? You have to do handle people in a different way than your parents would have.

You mention "you lost X" several times in your letter, which makes it sound more like you enjoy denying him something you know he would like. If you read your letter, don't you sound a little bit like your mom? "You have done this to me, now I am in the right to do this to you?" "Take it or leave it?" You are telling him how he should sit, stand, and behave at the same time as you want him to something that you want too.

You want your dad to acknowledge his errors and to walk you down the isle. If I were you, I would separate the two messages you are trying to send. Don't leverage the wedding into making him feel bad about previous behavior. Talk to him about your disappointment first. Be very concrete. "When you say X, it makes me feel Y". Not "you are Z". Your letter know is more towards "you are Z", like "you don't stand up to your wife". Instead, give a (preferably recent) example. Also, explain why you will not doing the "ask for permission" thing. It is the 21st century, don't need to base that decision on his behavior.

Then, a totally different time, you can talk about the wedding. You invite him to walk you down the isle. Don't "offer him the privilege". If he starts blabbing about "asking for permission" you have to consider excluding him.

You should also consider talking with your mom. Bring up the graduation party, again provide specific examples. Bring up a possible future wedding, and explain that it really has to be different then.

Another really good thing about explaining very precisely what actions hurt you, is that the hurt feelings resides quite a bit. One brushes off bad behaviour a lot easier after taking the time to formulate exactly what caused it.

Good luck, I mean it!